BALANCE_WINTER_2024 - 73

SEXUAL HEALTH
are reflecting on how the stigmatisation of female
masturbation has rendered many women ashamed
to explore their own bodies.
COMING UP SHORT
An issue with questing to make women (ahem)
cum-mensurate to men is that it suggests orgasm
is a goal that must be met - and implies you and
your partner are failures if it isn't. This pressure
can kill the mood, making climaxing harder.
Women may fear they're 'broken' if they can't
perform. They might also worry about disappointing
their lovers. Research from Durex in 2023 found that
of the 43% of sexually active women in the UK who
admitted faking orgasms, the main reason given - cited
by 50% - was to avoid hurting their partner's feelings.
If their acting's convincing, men will presume their
moves are working and repeat them. The only real Os
here are vicious circles.
Plus, there's so much beyond orgasm that sex
can offer. " Framing intimacy solely as a chase
to climax risks reducing the richness of sexual
relationships, overlooking myriad ways pleasure can
be experienced, " says Jazz Pedrosa, founder of sexual
wellbeing platform Lady & All. Why limit things to a
game of 'Hunt the Orgasm' when there are so many
other delicious ways to play?
Heck, orgasms don't even guarantee good times.
" I come easily, so I used to believe I couldn't be having
'bad' sex since I was consistently climaxing, " says
polyamory educator Leanne Yau. " Retrospectively,
lots of those multi-orgasmic experiences were actually
incredibly mediocre. I was having sex in a myopic,
purpose-driven manner that left me physically
satisfied yet emotionally disconnected. "
FROM 'PERFORMANCE' TO 'PLEASURE'
Perhaps we should consider the 'pleasure gap'. This
approach still aims to close the rift in sexual satisfaction
between sexes, but offers open-minded, expansive
views of what gratification can encompass.
A 2007 study published in the Archives of Sexual
Behaviour determined 237 separate reasons why people
have sex, including to laugh, bond, ease pain, destress
and for adventure. Intimacy isn't just about getting
'gasms. Progress towards equality must recognise this,
so everyone enjoys themselves not only in fair amounts,
but in diverse ways, on their own terms, giving them
the education, freedom and empowerment to explore
and authentically communicate a multitude of desires.
Making these transformations may, ironically, result
in new types of OMG orgasms. Roy Graff, expansive
relationship coach, says: " A side effect of moving your
focus to connecting and savouring pleasures outside of
climax can be learning to have full body 'energy
orgasms' " . If you want to teach others, Roy, I'm sure
there's a gap in the market.
73
And finally...
The first MRI scan
showing the full
clitoral structure
wasn't carried out
until 2005
O so good!
There's one big question every couple should ask
each other: what does intimacy mean to you?
" My lovely husband Mike
did something wonderful for
my pleasure recently: he
booked a babysitter for our
kids, then drove me to a
secluded beauty spot and
we made out (and more)
on the backseat of the car.
It broke our routine, didn't
cost much and made us feel
like horny teens again. "
Lucy, 39
" I love mutual massages
with scented oils, but my
partner hates falling asleep
with slimy skin in messy
sheets. So, we do 'morning
massages': we switch on
Classic FM, wake up slowly,
stroking each other's bodies,
build up to getting sexy, then
throw the bedding in the
wash and ourselves in a
shared shower. Bliss. "
Tannie, 46
" When I'm stressed, the
main thing I want from sex is
escapism. I can give myself
an orgasm in minutes by
masturbating with my
vibrator; what's harder for
me is relaxing mentally, so
that's what I want from my
boyfriend - comfort, respite
from my racing thoughts
and a cathartic giggle. "
Natsuko, 27
" Learning about 'bossy
massage' changed sex
for me. The person doing
the touching can only make
contact with their partner's
body precisely when, where
and how they ask them to.
It helped my shy girlfriend
think about what she really
wanted. I learned how to
properly listen and not
assume I knew her desires. "
Kurt, 31
B
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