Orthotown October 2022 - 12

behind the curtain
Growth Through a
Midlife Unraveling
by Dr. Brian Anderson
bout 3½ years ago, I started a midlife
unraveling. I'm learning now to
look back on the entire experience
with grace and acceptance, and I hope
sharing a bit of that struggle will help others
who might identify with what I went
through.
For years, I subconsciously believed
what other people thought about me had
more merit than what I thought about
myself. I was living to fi nd validation and
self-worth in the approval of others because
I didn't believe in my own intrinsic
worth. Fear of disappointing others
prevented me from embracing my own
authentic beliefs. I had so gradually acquiesced
to an inner emptiness that I didn't
even know I was empty.
A
Neglecting the closest
relationships
As I focused on building my orthodontic
practice and career, and my wife and I
focused on raising our children, I assumed
my marriage was rock-solid and didn't invest
enough time or thought to build it.
This was not because my marriage wasn't
a priority, but I can see now that I justifi ed
other things as more important or I accepted
small defeats too easily (for example,
trouble fi nding a consistent babysitter to
watch our young children so we could go
on dates with each other regularly) because
I had become complacent in the comfort
and apparent security of the marriage.
Looking back, I can see I was living to
" check the boxes. " I was a slave to perfectionism,
and I was too often looking externally
for direction and approval rather
than inwardly or in my most important
12 OCTOBER 2022 // orthotown.com
partnership. I too often kept my deeper
feelings bottled up. I've always valued being
sincere and authentic, and yet I was rejecting
parts of myself that I now realize are
OK-that make me human and uniquely
me-out of toxic shame. I believed because
I wasn't perfect, I wasn't lovable or OK just
the way that I was. This shame pushed me
to a place to question the bedrock of who I
am, including my religious beliefs and my
marriage, and to self-sabotage.
In this place of guilt and shame, I made
some mistakes and hurtful choices-some
big, some small. I fi led for divorce after
16 years of marriage. I both caused and experienced
deep pain, and I've felt profound
remorse.
Through that dark abyss, my faith,
counseling and introspection helped me
develop stronger boundaries, greater selfawareness
and resilience to shame. I am
now more empathetic and less judgmental
because of the mental and emotional processing
of my own failures, and the development
of compassion regarding the hurtful
behavior of others.
A rebuilt self-worth
and focus
My work as an orthodontist and
business owner, although often busy and
stressful, has been a refuge throughout this
diffi cult time. Being able to show up and
focus on contributing in a meaningful way
to the lives of patients and team members
has boosted me emotionally and helped
me to be more empathetic, patient, genuine,
compassionate, mindful and straightforward
with patients. Interestingly, my
businesses and conversions improved to
the best of my career during this time, and
I attribute much of that to being able to
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Orthotown October 2022

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