GRAND Magazine - May/June 2017 Subscribe Today! - 11

estranged grandparents

tragically large number of
grandparents are prohibited from spending time
with their grandchildren. Not
infrequently, a daughter or sonin-law is the cause.
Here are some of the
most common reasons for
estrangement:

The son-in-law or daughter-in-law may come from
a dysfunctional family and
wrongly view their in-laws in
the same way they view their
own parents.

The son-in-law or daughterin-law may have a subtle or
overt form of mental illness.

The grandparent may have
been critical of the daughter-in-law or son-in-law and the
estrangement is a reaction to that.

The parents of the daughter-in-law or son-in-law may be
overly controlling and welcome your child into the family,
but reject everyone else.

The son-in-law or daughter-in-law may feel threatened by how close the parent was to the adult child and
want to reduce their influence by limiting contact with the
grandchildren.
11 GRAND

MAY JUNE 2017

Here are some important
things to remember:

* Your son-in-law or daughter-in-law is the gatekeeper. You can't
go around them; you must go through them. That means you
should always ask how they're doing, send gifts for birthdays, holidays, etc. unless you've been clearly prohibited from doing so.
* Write an amends letter if you've done something that
alienated your son-in-law or daughter-in-law, even if you think
their complaint is trivial. Look for the kernel of truth in their
complaint. Humility does not equal humiliation. Amends to a
troubled son-in-law or daughter-in-law is also the best way to

strengthen the spine of your child who may well
want his/her children to see you. It enables them to
say, "See, my parent is trying really hard. I think we
should let them have more time with our children."
* Don't get defensive and don't return fire with
fire. Some sons-in-law or daughters-in-law are just
waiting for you to make a false move so they can
prevent you from seeing your adult child or grandchildren. Getting defensive or angry is the fastest
route to getting that door shut and locked for the
future.
* Recognize that they are the new alpha male
or female in the picture. You have to make clear
that you pose no threat to their primacy in the
life of your child or grandchild.
* A little flattery never hurts. Sometimes those
who are the most cruel or controlling are the
most in need of tenderness from their in-laws
and everyone else. The most unlikable people are
often those who are the most in pain, even when
they don't seem like it. Therefore, always let your
son-in-law or daughter-in-law know what you
like, love, admire, or value in them. Your child will
respect you for it and it may inspire their spouse
to be more open to you.
* Don't complain or criticize your son-in-law or daughter-inlaw to your adult child. In all likelihood they'll tell them and then
where will you be? Even if they don't, it will cause them to feel
more in the middle, which won't help your cause.

Dr. Joshua Coleman is a psychologist in private
practice in San Francisco and a Senior Fellow with the
Council on Contemporary Families. He has been a
frequent guest on the Today Show, NPR, The BBC, and
numerous other outlets.

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