GRAND Magazine - Fall 2023 - 14
ask dr. gramma karen
Sometimes, less explaining and
more empathizing is needed
BY KAREN L. RANCOURT, PH.D.
A reader contacted me seeking advice:
Dear Dr. Gramma Karen,
I am six weeks from seeing my grandchildren for our regular Sunday visits because my
daughter is mad at me. This is the second time she has punished me by denying me access
to the children. My heart is broken. I usually see the children at least once a week and two to
three times a week because we get together for family dinners.
My daughter has decided that I am a " know-it-all " who " constantly has to prove her
wrong, " all the while not seeing she is combative and exemplifies the same behaviors. We
have had a strained relationship for many years. Admittedly, I was an emotionally detached
parent when she was growing up. I was a single parent working two/three jobs, going to
school, and not emotionally available. I own this. I have apologized. I know her love language
[describes how we receive love from others] is quality time, and I know I failed her.
Yet, now that she has worked in a school for a year and is taking Human Development
and Family Studies courses, she's the authority on all things wrong with my parenting: " I was
too authoritative. " Never mind that I, too, have a background in behavioral science and psychology
research.
From my perspective, it's not a battle of education for me, but millennial parenting and
my Gen X ideas of parenting differ. [Note: here is a summary of parenting styles for the
various generation cohort groups.] There are some areas of her upbringing that I think were
acceptable, yet her courses say the contrary, so I'm horrible.
I reared an intelligent, capable, driven young woman, and at times, I wasn't as enabling
as her friends' parents, but it was an act of love to help her be strong and self-sufficient, and
she is!
The funny thing is, and I say this as a painful irony, she isn't mad about how I treat the
children - this isn't about the children. If anything, she's jealous that I am better with them
than I was with her, yet she denies me access. I'm trying to compensate for my lacking abilities
in her youth; I am so depressed. Your thoughts?
14 GRAND FALL 2023
Continued on next page
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GRAND Magazine - Fall 2023
Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of GRAND Magazine - Fall 2023
Contents
GRAND Magazine - Fall 2023 - Cover1
GRAND Magazine - Fall 2023 - 2
GRAND Magazine - Fall 2023 - 3
GRAND Magazine - Fall 2023 - Contents
GRAND Magazine - Fall 2023 - 5
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