GRAND Magazine - Fall 2023 - 15

ask dr. gramma karen
Dr. Gramma Karen's response
When I am asked for advice on how to resolve
an interpersonal conflict, such as the one between
you and your daughter, my first go-to place is typically
to explore how the involved parties can work
through the issues themselves.
In your situation, I am going to make an exception
and come straight out the gate by saying that
I think the best option for you and your daughter
is to work with a family therapist. Let me explain.
For a conflict to be satisfactorily resolved, the
parties involved must be both intellectually and
emotionally at peace. Intellectual peace means
the head, the brain, if you will, understands the
dynamics of the conflict - someone may not agree
with them but understands them. Emotional peace
is attained when the heart no longer unbearably
hurts. In other words, the head and the heart are
tranquil enough to coexist in a state of quietude.
Much of what you describe is in the intellectual
realm: You want your daughter to understand
the hardships you faced raising her, and you want
her to appreciate your academic background in
behavioral science and psychology research. You
acknowledge your parenting shortcomings but
then point out that she turned out to be strong
and independent - this might feel to your daughter
that you are minimizing what she experienced.
The point I want to make is that your participation
in the conflict resides primarily in the intellectual
domain. In contrast, I suspect that your
daughter's need is for you to appreciate what is
going on in her emotional domain.
15 GRAND FALL 2023
These might be some of the emotional issues
that are agitating her:
much of her childhood.
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cate that she feels unheard of in many of your
discussions.
pushed to move on, even though she is not emotionally
ready to do so.
It is likely you continue to do or say things
that trigger her negative feelings towards you.
These are complex issues that can be best
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explored with the help of a family therapist. He/
she can help the two of you sort through the inevitable
emotions that will arise, as well as ensure
that you are really hearing what each of you is
saying. He/she will know how to help you reconcile
in productive ways the intellectual and emotional
factors at play.
Going forward, I suggest you talk with your
daughter about the two working with a family
therapist. Tell her that you want to learn how to
listen to her so you can understand the challenges
and insecurities she faced growing up
and how your actions have affected her. Tell her
that because of your strong personality and tendency
to be defensive, you want to work with a
trained professional, someone she chooses.
Because you have apologized, she may feel
There may be resentment that bubbles up
when she sees you interacting with her children in
ways that she wishes you had interacted with her.
Describing you as a know-it-all may indiShe
may have felt alone or abandoned for
Here are some resources to help your daughter
find a family therapist she would be comfortable
working with: (1), (2), (3), (4). (I have checked: you
live in a city with many resources.)
If you are feeling like I have placed the burden
of working towards resolving the conflicts
between you and your daughter on you, you are
correct. Your daughter is in the driver's seat when
it comes to you having access to your grandchildren,
so it behooves you to prove to her that you
are willing to do whatever it takes to be a positive
and desirable influence in her and your grandchildren's
lives.
This requires you to do less explaining (e.g.,
" You need to understand why I did what I did " )
that probably comes across as defensiveness to
her and more empathizing (e.g., " I can understand
why you are feeling that way towards me... " )
Your willingness to work with a family therapist
and openness to changing your behavior are
strong indications of your commitment.
I hope my suggestions help you and your
daughter work on the unfinished business
between you.
Look Inside
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Karen L. Rancourt, Ph.D., advice
columnist, is also an author. Her
most recent book is, It's All About
Relationships: New Ways to Make
Them Healthy and Fulfilling, at
Home and at Work.
Show me the book!

https://www.facebook.com/GRANDmagazine https://www.aamft.org/Directories/Find_a_Therapist.aspx https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists https://locator.apa.org/ https://www.findapsychologist.org/ https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/098962742X/ref=as_li_qf_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=grandmagazi0d-20&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=098962742X&linkId=66a0e1a55f91dad29012703995da3f18 https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/098962742X/ref=as_li_qf_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=grandmagazi0d-20&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=098962742X&linkId=66a0e1a55f91dad29012703995da3f18 http://www.Amazon.com https://www.askdrgrammakaren.com https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/098962742X/ref=as_li_qf_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=grandmagazi0d-20&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=098962742X&linkId=66a0e1a55f91dad29012703995da3f18 http://www.karenrancourt.com/ https://www.amazon.com/Its-All-About-Relationships-Fulfilling/dp/098962742X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1553688108&sr=1-2-fkmrnull https://www.amazon.com/Its-All-About-Relationships-Fulfilling/dp/098962742X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1553688108&sr=1-2-fkmrnull https://www.amazon.com/Its-All-About-Relationships-Fulfilling/dp/098962742X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1553688108&sr=1-2-fkmrnull https://www.amazon.com/Its-All-About-Relationships-Fulfilling/dp/098962742X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1553688108&sr=1-2-fkmrnull

GRAND Magazine - Fall 2023

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of GRAND Magazine - Fall 2023