GRAND Magazine - Summer 2023 - 15

ask dr. gramma karen
Dr. Gramma Karen's Response
I thank this stepmom for sharing her experiences.
I want to call out four points she
makes that have helped her feel successful
in her role as a stepmother - actions that are
replicable by other stepparents:
1. She invested time in getting
to know her husband's family and
friends. " These interactions helped
me to understand the dynamics of his
family. " This strategy also indicates to the
extended family that the new stepmom
wants to fit in, not upset the apple cart.
2. She and her husband attended
parenting classes and sought advice
from other parenting experts. Related
to this, another avenue is to approach
parents who have what you consider to
be great kids and ask them to share with
you their parenting do's and don'ts. Ask
them what books, websites, and other
resources they have found useful. Ask
them in what ways their parenting practices
have changed through the years.
3. She and her husband cultivated
a relationship with her stepson's
biological mom and her husband that
" was always cordial, flexible, and
respectful. " This can be difficult to pull
off, especially if the divorce was contentious,
but keeping in mind what is best
for the children involved can help. Also,
remembering that squabbling parents
15 GRAND Summer 2023
and stepparents can be devastating to
kids can help keep things on an even
keel.
4. She and her husband appreciated
the difficulties their son faced
when transitioning from his mom's
and stepfather's less structured environment
back into his stepmom's
and father's more structured home.
" Patience and perseverance were the key
to our success. "
This period of children transitioning from a
less structured to a more-structured household
can be particularly challenging: it can be
a situation where the parents in a more-structured
household run into pushbacks. The
tendency is for a child to think having fewer
rules and defined boundaries is preferable to
having more.
When parents/stepparents are told by a
child, " I like so-and-so better because they let
me do what I want to do, " they must simply
hold the line and say, " We appreciate that
different people have different rules. When
you're here with us, we go by our rules. "
If the areas of discord involve health issues,
such as sleep and eating, consider letting a
child's pediatrician explain why requiring a
certain number of hours of sleep, or why limiting
eating certain foods is the way to go.
Kids can sometimes accept restrictions easier
from an outside expert than they can from
their parents and stepparents. Patience and
perseverance indeed!
I close by sharing a comment
from another reader:
When my father married my stepmother,
I was 11 years old, and just horrible towards
her.
I would tell her that I loved my real mom
and that I hated her. She would always calmly
say something like, " Your mom is great, and I
can see why you love her. " Or I would yell at
her, " I will never call you 'Mom.' " She would
calmly say, " You can call me whatever feels
right to you. "
She was always kind and patient with me,
and I came to love and adore her. Over time
she proved to be a better mother to me than
my biological mother. I did eventually call her
" Mom. " I miss her every day.
Here are two stepparent
support groups that may be
of interest.
* Step Talk, Where Stepparents Come
to Vent
* Remarried with Children
Look Inside
" This book...set me
straight. I wasn't sure
where my boundaries
were as a grandma... "
A Must--‐Read for
Grandparents
A Must Read for
Everyone!
This book takes the
uncertainty and thorniness
out of relationships.
No more being confused,
or unsure about what to
do, often doing something
that makes a relationship
even worse!
" Karen identifies the
cause and effect of
family issues in plain
and simple language. "
--‐ Amazon.com Reviewers
Karen L. Rancourt, Ph.D., advice
columnist, is also an author. Her
most recent book is, It's All About
Relationships: New Ways to Make
Them Healthy and Fulfilling, at
Home and at Work.
Show me the book!

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GRAND Magazine - Summer 2023

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of GRAND Magazine - Summer 2023