GRAND Magazine - Spring 2024 - 35

caregiving
She grieved over the broken nose, lamenting that it
was her best feature. How wrong she was. Marlene was a
beautiful woman who never looked her age. During her
several hospital sojourns, it was common for the staff to
look up from her records with astonishment. " You can't be
80 years old! "
I never thought of myself as Marlene's caregiver. Being
there for the love of my life had been promised decades
before. That's what a spouse does. Besides, filling in on
household chores was not new. In a large family, everybody
chipped in. However, my caregiver
"
35 GRAND SPRING 2024
A month before she was placed in hospice, she said " I feel like I'm dying. "
It frightened me. I couldn't know how prescient she was.
status became more compelling as Marlene became less
active, more agoraphobic, and eventually less cognitive. She
stopped driving three years before she passed, surrendering
her independence to the passenger seat. Her trips to have
her hair and nails done became less frequent. She bristled
at yet another visit to a medical expert to learn why her
blood pressure was so unstable, a condition that severely
diminished her interest in doing much of anything. The TV
series " Murder She Wrote " and " Diagnosis Murder " became
her nocturnal companions, helping to make sleepless nights
more bearable. The multiple side effects of myriad medications
- nausea, dizziness, insomnia, lack of appetite, and
worse - made the three-times-a-day blood pressure monitoring
a dreaded regimen for both of us. A month before
she was placed in hospice, she said " I feel like I'm dying. " It
frightened me. I couldn't know how prescient she was.
Medication management was the most stressful part
of caregiving. A mistake with her blood pressure medications,
for example, could have very serious consequences.
Her blood pressure had to be monitored continuously.
And making judgments about medication became
increasingly difficult. If her blood pressure was in a reasonable
range, should she be given the prescribed dose
for a higher pressure reading, risking a precipitous and
perhaps dangerous drop in blood pressure?
I stopped apologizing to doctors for the late-night
appeals for guidance instead of following the directions
on the prescription bottle. After a while, I gained confidence
in making judgments about frequency and doses.
But there was always a bit of anxiety. Did I do the right
thing? Did I inadvertently mix the pills up because I was
"
distracted? Suppose I overmedicated her before she went
to bed?
Caregiving is a lonely, stressful, aggravating, sometimes
surreal experience. My time wasn't my own. I suspended
all other outside activities. She required 24-hour vigilant
care to prevent falls, prepare meals, and help her with her
personal needs. Our children were a godsend, but they
had families and jobs. They were a safety net. But they
couldn't be the day-to-day first team.
Caregiving is a continuum, often culminating in the
death of a loved one. In her final 911 rush to the ER, the
doctor told me that they couldn't do anything more for
her. " Take her home and keep her comfortable. " Even
though I knew Marlene's condition was deteriorating, my
initial reaction was disbelief and anger. Why, after all this
time, was I being told that her body was not self-regulating?
She had both hypertension and hypotension. When
I went back into her room, Marlene asked " How are we
doing? "
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caregiver takeaways
Richard (Rick) Anthony, Sr., is a retired management
consultant who now spends his
time teaching part-time and hosting a local
TV show. Many of his programs deal with
caregiving and dementia. He is a member
of GRAND's Advisory Board and has been a
contributing author.
Marlene with great-granddaughter
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GRAND Magazine - Spring 2024

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