Theatre Design & Technology - Spring 1989 - 50

The denigration of a piece of equipment or a technique, regardless of
whether you have tried it or not, is a
sure-fire winner, and is to be pursued
at all times. This will make people
aware of the fact that you are a person
of considered views, who is not easily
swayed by the mass of popular opinion. When you are forced into using a
particular piece of gear that you have
previously run into the ground, because it actually works better that
your own favori te, you can use the "It's
what they expect, so I'll damned well
give it to them, but don't expect me to
like it'" ploy that has been so successful in the past. Ignorance and prejudice
on the part of others are the incompetent sound designer's prime weapons.
Thus armed, you can now enter the
final phase of your training. The rental
company will have specified and supplied your rig and recommended a
competent operator, the casual labor
will have installed it to their satisfaction, and you will have warded off all
evil with your talismans and incantations. The time has come to produce
your ultimate weapon.
Open your flight-case, sorry, briefcase, and bring out your CD player,
and your de rigueur CDs (you mmt
learn to call these "Software"l. Plug
the player into the desk (or get the
operator to do for you), and fit Brothers
in Arms into the player. Set the track
selector to "Money for othing" and
press the go button. ow sit back, and
wait for the admiring comments.
These are inevitable, as tlus particular
CD is guaranteed to make any system

sound amazingly good. It even sounds
good on my car stereo, so imagine
what it is going to sound like through
all those extra speakers!
Loudspeaker manufacturers regard
trus disc as an industry standard for
proving how good their product is, so
there is no reason why you shouldn't
share in some of the magic, too.
(Those of you who don't like Dire
Straits can carry out the exercise with
Grace Jones or Rikki Lee Jones, but the
same results cannot be guaranteed.)
Once this ritual is completed you
can almost go home and leave the rest
to the operator and the composer or
arranger, but if you do find that you are
being asked to make some adjustments yourseU, you should adopt the
following emergency procedure. Call
for complete and utter quiet, then play
the Trevor Pinnock CD at enormous
level, with a quizzical look on your
face. This will immediately raise your
stock several points, on the basis that
trus is classical music and played on
original instruments, and a purist recording, and you can blame the fact
that it sounds trun and reedy on the
instrumentation.
Once trus has been achieved, grab
the nearest microphone fader, and
push it up until the most appalling
feedback occurs. You will know when
this happens, as it will sound like
something from all those ACfDC albums that you really like listening to.
Pull the fader back down again fast,
and shout, "Sorry, my fault!" as loudly
as possible. Lean over the mixing desk
for a few seconds, and then twiddle

one knob very decisively. It doesn't
matter which one - the operator will
put it right later. Put Dire Straits back
on, and yell"That's better, isn't it/" to
the person who has complained.
If this still doesn't satisfy them, and
all other ploys have failed, you can as a
last resort become belligerent, and
blame the musicians, e.g., "The bloody
band has been in the pub since 5:30, no
wonder it all sounds dreadful." As this
will almost certainly be true, they will
not dare to argue, and you can now
collect your fee safe in the knowledge
that either mass hysteria will prevent
anyone from discovering your part in
the ensuing debacle, or that the show
will fi1l1 forever anyway, and the operator will sort it all out after you have
gone.
From now on, work will come tluck
and fast, and you can repeat the formula ad-infuu tum. If all this seems
too much like hard work to you, you
could always try a different tack, and
become a lighting designer for trade
shows: "If only we had one of those
new Perky Auto Spots, but they're
fiendisWy expensive to hire ... well of
course that's the trouble with those
Perky Auto Spots, they're all very
well, but they really do something
nasty to the rest of the lighting, still,
it's what client wants, so I'll just have
to soldier on ..." *
John A. Leonard is a theatre sound
consultant based in London. His article first appeaz-ed in The Stage & Television Today, and is reprin ted in
TD&T with permission.

JOEL E. RUBIN &ASSOCIATES
Strategic Planners/Resource Specialists
Consulting Services to Facilities and Companies
for Performing Arts Technology, Marketing, and
Planning
11 WEST 57Th STREET, SuiTE 911,
48

TD&T'

SPRING' 989

E YORK,

EW YORK 0019, USA. [212J 757-5646

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