Theatre Design & Technology - Spring 2006 - 11

the

subtext

GIFTED by Beeb Salzer

Six days a week I feel extremely gifted. No, I'm not talking
about talent or genius, I'm talking about when the mail comes
each afternoon. Then, at least one and sometimes up to five
gifts arrive. They are often small inexpensive gifts with requests
for my attention but I have even received some large more
costly gifts. All of them come from one or another charity asking for donations. The most common gift is a sheet of personalized return address stick-on labels. Only if I sent out a mass
mailing to everyone in my state would I be able to use all the
stickers. Sometimes they also come with message stickers, "I
love you." "Get well soon," probably assuming that I can't spell
these emotional declarations. The next most frequent gift is a
pen, followed by key chains, notepads, umbrellas, and recently
a badly written novel.

...arts are notoriously unsophisticated in the
ways of finance. No one would suspect that
theatres were in the business of laundering money.
I have noticed that more and more charities are sending
gifts and now even my insurance agent and the political party I
support seem to think that sending something of small value
will shame me into reciprocating with a much larger donation.
For me, one such mailing a year is fine. When every few weeks
the same group sends something, I figure they are spending
too much on fund-raising and not enough on their stated mission-so I stop donating.
Since so many organizations are doing the same thing,
someone somewhere has figured this ploy works. So why are we
not using this technique to raise money for our theatres and
schools? We are always short of money and looking for help but
we are obviously not using modern fund raising methods.
Opening an account in a bank used to mean a free
toaster. There was a quid pro quo which is more than a hope
of the generous response expected by the charities. We could
use the same technique by offering gifts to the patrons who
have already bought tickets. More to the point, we could connect
the gift to the show. Presenting "Saint Joan," we would give away
cookbooks of barbequing recipes. Or for "Mrs. Warren's Profession," Xaviera Hollender's "The Happy Hooker." Going from Shaw
to Shakespeare, patrons of "Macbeth" would be given rubber
gloves and pocket knives presented to audiences at "Julius
Caesar." My nine-year-old grandson suggested pharmaceuticals for "Romeo and Juliet" but I thought more personal objects might be better. Neither did I tell this to my grandson nor
will I elaborate here in a journal read by members of a profession that is puritanical and moral.

THEATRE

DESIGN

TECHNOLOGY
SPRING

2006

But what if theatre people were not so moral? When I
have gone to Russia to design a show, there are rumors, unsubstantiated, that one or another Russia mafias donates money
to the theatre. I wondered why and was told that supporting the
arts gives respectability to the donors. Because the American
mafia seems to be in decline and is hounded by the government,
maybe this is the right time to explore this avenue of revenue with
the promise of respectability for mob bosses.
In this same vein, theatres are ideally suited to receive
large donations and then use the money to pay their bills. The
government also knows that the arts are notoriously unsophisticated in the ways of finance. No one would suspect that theatres
were in the business of laundering money. Theatres could keep a
percentage of the funds passing through. Large amounts could
mean sizeable help for theatre that are always in need.
Theatres and theatre schools have, in a sense, human
capital to expend. I have never heard of theatre companies doing this, but opera companies have auctioned off the opportunity for a donor to appear on stage as a supernumerary. Of
course, with a chorus of thousands, one more body means
little. Theatres could up the ante and have several levels of participation. Lowest would be a non-speaking part. Next, a small
speaking part. And really generous donations could command
a major role. These all would be for only one night.
This scheme would work the way charity balls and dinners work. Rich people have their favorite charities and invite
all their friends to attend the event at which they are being
honored or are a chairperson. Then they must attend their
friends' events. This you-scratch-my-back-and-I'll-scratchyours assures an active social life, if at some cost. The one
night only performance would be a fund raiser for which
ticket costs are inflated and partially tax free. Approached in
the spirit of fun, the theatre could not be charged with selling
out artistically but might have a profitable sell out.
Schools have other kinds of human capital. I take no
credit for this next idea because it was inspired by a conversation I overheard between a group of female students. They
were joking about ways to raise money and one suggested that
they use sex and sell themselves. Heaven forbid. But it did remind me of ways some college football teams are said to recruit. When a prospect visits campus, they are given guides for
the weekend-seductive cheerleader types. Now, some theatre departments have budgets to provide students with scholarships and living expenses but those that do not could
provide escorts of either sex, making sure that the student
shopping for a school thought less about money and more
about other compensations. It would be a real ego boost and
make them feel truly gifted. ❖

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of Theatre Design & Technology - Spring 2006