Elephants and Tea - March 2021 - 7

as their response doesn't completely piss
me off, I'm good with it.
Then t here's t he people in my inner
circle. The ones closest to me. I call them
" my people. " I can't imagine how this has
been for them. When I was first diagnosed
I don't t hink it was nearly as hard for
them as it was for me (understandably of
course). But as time has gone on I think it's
gotten better for me (I won't say EASIER
because let's be real, this doesn't ever get
EASY) and worse for " my people. " They
just love me and they just want to help. No
matter where they fall on the wide ranges
of responses, most people, and especially
" your people, " want absolutely nothing
more than to feel like they're helping. My
family was over the top with suffocation
of love in my normal life even before I
found out I was sick. So getting a terminal
illness diagnosis in my twenties has made
them even more obsessed with showing me
that they love me. And although it's been
frustrating at times I appreciate and love
them more than anything and I know how
beyond lucky I am to have them to lean on
during this time.
Then there's " my people " who aren't
related to me. That includes my boyfriend
and my closest friends. For them it's crazy
(I can imagine) because this is something
you usually just hear about. This happens
to someone who you know, who knows
someone, who's related to someone else
who has it. It doesn't happen to you, your
girlfriend or one of your best friends from
high school. It doesn't happen to someone
you just saw last month at a concert who
was dancing and drinking a beer. It doesn't
happen to someone younger than you. It
doesn't happen to your old coworker or
that girl you knew in elementary school.
It doesn't happen to someone who's " so
hea lt hy. " Wel l t hat's w rong because it
happened to me a nd I a m a l l of t hose
things. And for my friends I think that's
hard because it's like a huge wake up call
that just because we're young, we are not
invincible. That is probably almost harder
to handle for a lot of people.
That was a lot of negative things about
learning you have the ugly C word. Now
here's a few positives...
I have never once appreciated my life
so much. I've never let the small stuff roll

off my back like I do now. I appreciate the
color of the sky and the beautiful f lowers
I see as I walk by on my way to my car
every morning. I try not to get caught up
on things like money or the outcome of a
basketball game. I appreciate those closest
to me (going back to " my people " ). When
something like this happens you find out
who truly cares about you. It's sad but
true that some don't care enough to stick
around. And I'm totally okay with finding out who those people are now, rather
than later. And along with finding out who
doesn't really care, you find out who does
really care. I have had such an overwhelming amount of love and support shown
to me from people I've known for years,
people I've met a couple times or just once
and even people who don't even know me.
(Thank you, social media.) It's completely
restored my faith in humanity. So many
people are willing to go above and beyond
just for a simple kind gesture like sending
me a card or cooking me dinner. And the
only words I have to describe that feeling
is that I'm completely overwhelmed at how
many people truly want to help. It's been
so refreshing to see the kindness. It's like
getting the answer to the age old question
of " Who would actually come to my funeral
if I died? " without actually being dead.
While I do appreciate life more than ever
I am still so scared. I'm scared all the time.
I'm scared about all the experiences I may
never have. I'm scared of death. I'm scared
to leave my family mourning for me. I'm
scared I won't ever make a positive impact
on the world. I'm scared I'll always just be
" the girl who has/had cancer. " I'm scared
remission may never be in my vocabulary.
I'm scared that if I am lucky enough to get
to remission that I'll still always be afraid
of cancer. I'll never fully get away from it.
Let's just say hypothetically, I beat cancer.
I transition from being a cancer patient
to a cancer survivor... I will ALWAYS be
terrified that it's coming back to get me.
What kind of life is that like to live? Well,
I guess I'm ahead of myself now because
first I have to actually get there. Here I
go... continuing to fight like hell against
the ugly C word that rocked my world.

" I have never once
appreciated my
life so much. I've
never let the small
stuff roll off my
back like I do now.
I appreciate the
color of the sky
and the beautiful
flowers I see as
I walk by on my
way to my car
every morning. "

From,
Someone who is just as shook up as you are
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
MARCH 2021

7
http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
Elephants and Tea - March 2021

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