Elephants and Tea - December 2021 - 14

Grieving Yourself REMISSION
mind to hope that there is more than just the current life I'm
leading. And without fail, my mind begins to creep into those
deep dark corners. My biggest fear is that NED will leave me
and Death will follow. Ugh, Death, that finite inevitable event
that binds us all together. The determinate experience that all
living things will face at some point - some of us sooner than
others - never leaves the corners of a cancer patient's mind.
I still have many moments of uncertainty, and NED stays up
I get terrified
that my kids will
forget me, since
they are so small
right now at six,
four, and one.
These thoughts
always shatter
me. And then,
NED taps me on
the shoulder and
attempts to snap
me out of it.
late with me when I'm allowed to freely wonder. NED allows
me to embrace my insomnia, letting me cry and retreat into
my shell, without worrying that I might damage the little
minds that adore me, or adding any more stress onto my
rock, my 'Moose,' my husband, my Justin. The sweet loves
of my life have seen enough of my crying and panic attacks.
It breaks my heart to know that my shit has now become
their shit. I have no doubt that Justin and I were meant to be
together. Justin has been the love of my life, since we met back
in the summer of 1998. My family moved, thankfully pulling
me out of a very toxic relationship. I was 15 and Justin was
17. Imagine my cringey, stomach-turning, sob-fest moments
when my mind goes to those dark places and my husband has
to come to my rescue. I wonder if in the next life, hoping that
there is one, will I get any say in what type of partner to send
him? Do I have any input regarding who will be the one to
love him and care for my children, as if they were her own?
Am I even a big enough person to want him to be with anyone
else? Will our souls reconnect in another lifetime? Because,
without a doubt, in this life, he is more than my lover, he is
my anchor. I envision another woman raising my babies and
me being forgotten and relegated to memories passed along
through stories and old photos. I get terrified that my kids
will forget me, since they are so small right now at six, four,
and one. These thoughts always shatter me. And then, NED
taps me on the shoulder and attempts to snap me out of it.
I am unbelievably thankful for NED, but with him, comes
new phases and challenges. I know that he is still with me;
he can calm my anxieties and encourage me to be present in
the moment. He's also been known to trigger my obsessive
nature and dark thoughts. Still, despite his inconsistencies, I
sure hope he sticks around until my five-year Cancerversary.
But, right now, I would appreciate it if NED would socially
distance itself from me. I want and need NED around, but
I don't want to be encroached upon. I can no longer tolerate
having my mind constantly consumed and my thoughts invaded
by his dark tendencies. In Suleika Jaouad's memoir,
" Between Two Kingdoms: A Memoir of a Life Interrupted, "
she beautifully describes my current situation, as the space
between 'The Kingdom of the Sick' and 'The Kingdom of the
Well.' She eloquently declares:
" As we live longer and longer, the vast majority of us will
travel back and forth across these realms, spending much of
our lives somewhere in between. These are the terms of our
existence. The idea of striving for some beautiful, perfect state
of wellness? It mires us in eternal dissatisfaction, a goal forever
out of reach. To be well now is to learn to accept whatever
body and mind I currently have. " l
14
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
DECEMBER 2021
KIMBER HARRIS IS A WIFE
AND STAY-AT-HOME MOM
TO THREE WONDERFUL
CHILDREN: MILO (6), VEDA (4),
AND ZURI (1). WITH A B.A. IN
FASHION MARKETING FROM
THE ILLINOIS INSTITUTE
OF ART-CHICAGO, MUCH
OF HER EXPERIENCE IS IN
EVENT PLANNING, FASHION
SHOW PRODUCTION, FASHION
STYLING FOR VARIOUS
NATIONAL PUBLICATIONS,
AS WELL AS MANY YEARS
OF LUXURY SALES. SHE
IS PASSIONATE ABOUT
SOCIAL JUSTICE, FASHION,
MUSIC, LITERATURE, AND
MEDITATION. KIMBER
ENJOYS SPENDING TIME
WITH HER FAMILY AND
FRIENDS, READING, COOKING,
AND EXPRESSING HERSELF
THROUGH ART. SINCE HER
DIAGNOSIS OF STAGE II IA
HER2/NEU ER+ PR- IDC AND
DCIS BREAST CANCER IN
DECEMBER OF 2019, SHE
HAS REROUTED HER LIFE'S
PURPOSE TO GIVING BACK
TO THE CANCER COMMUNITY
IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE. HER
INTENT IS TO EDUCATE
OTHERS ON THE IMPORTANCE
OF KNOWING YOUR BODY
AND LISTENING TO IT,
INHERENTLY.
http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
Elephants and Tea - December 2021

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