Elephants and Tea - December 2021 - 20

Survivor's Guilt
DEAR JACK FOUNDATION
Survivor's Guilt
BY ANDREA MAIKOVICH-FONG, PHD, ABPP
I
20
f being diagnosed with cancer is one of the most
frightening experiences you can have as a young
adult, then surely surviving cancer is one of the
most emotionally complex. Imagine standing
on a stage to receive an award after crossing the finish line
in a race you never intended to enter. All the spectators are
cheering for you, but you're secretly wondering 1) when
someone is going to inform you that there was a mistake
and you didn't ACTUALLY cross the finish line, 2) if anyone
else realizes the " finish line " is super arbitrary, keeps moving,
and doesn't mean you get to stop running, 3) what in the
world you did to deserve getting this far compared to others
working just as hard out there as you, 4) how you're going
to continue sitting with the knowledge that so many people
had to make sacrifices along the way for you to get here, and
5) whether it would be super rude to say that you kind of
just want to go curl up and rest by yourself even though you
know you're supposed to stand there all smiling and happy.
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
DECEMBER 2021
Welcome to survivor guilt, although
perhaps it would be more accurately
called " survivor's mixed up jumble of
really hard and conflicting emotions. " On
its most basic level, survivor guilt refers
to the set of feelings related to surviving
cancer when others did not. It is often
linked to more existential, high-pressure
questions. Why did I survive and what am
I supposed to do now? What makes me so
special? Why did I get cancer in the first
place? What lesson am I supposed to be
learning through all of this?
Survivor guilt often co-occurs with
another very large emotion that has a
way of quickly filling a room and making
it hard to breathe - anxiety. Simply
put, it is very scary to watch other young
adults suffer and pass away from the very
same illness as you. Sometimes those
young adults were the fellow patients or
survivors you most looked up to - the
ones with the most encouraging words,
the biggest smiles, the fiercest determination
to make one more lap in the
hospital hallway or pull one more smile
out of you - the ones who made you feel
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Elephants and Tea - December 2021

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