Elephants and Tea - December 2021 - 48

Defining Grief LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
Self-Compassionate Grief
BY ANGIE GIALLOURAKIS
WHAT IS GRIEF?
It is an emotional response to loss. We
grieve for different reasons. The experience
of grief is not based upon a certain emotion,
type of loss, or specific timeline. You can't
just turn off your emotions to make other
people comfortable. The expression of
grief can be overwhelming or subtle. It just
depends. We are unique: men and women.
Straight, bisexual, gay, and nonsexual people
experience grief in their own way. Some
people stay home for weeks, and others go
shopping. No judgement.
Grief impacts our day to day lives. We mourn
when experiencing the loss of health, or a
spouse, partner, child, friend, lover, teacher,
co-worker, or beloved pet. We mourn - unique
to personality, upbringing and culture. Mourning
means our relationships with others may
be stilted which will impact our home, work,
and social network.
" One of the realities of grief and loss is that
the rest of the world seems to keep going forward,
while you feel like you have been stopped
in your tracks " (Wolfelt, 2010).
Being stopped in your tracks by grief means
life as you know it has come to a screeching
halt. For me, intense grief feels like a pressure
against my body. My head feels like it is going
to explode. I cannot speak, nor desire to do so.
My heart is crushed, and I am afraid to breathe.
I hold still, wait, and pray for help. And help
will come. I know I must let the help in, or my
life and those around me will implode.
But how do we deal with this grief? In the
opening remarks of the book " Eight Critical
Questions for Mourners...and The Answers
That Will Help You Heal " , Alan D. Wolfelt
(2010) describes beautifully " the wilderness
of your grief " :
" You might think of your grief as a wilderness,
a vast, inhospitable forest. You are in the wilderness
now. You are in the midst of unfamiliar...
brutal surroundings. You are cold and tired.
Yet, you must journey through... You must
become acquainted with its terrain and learn
to follow the sometimes hard to find trail that
leads to healing " (p. 3).
Grieving is a process which requires us to
have self-compassion. We usually know how
to act compassionately toward others, but what
about ourselves? When we feel self-compassion
during our grief, we identify our feelings and
the tremendous loss and need for time to heal.
We may seek inner peace by sitting quietly or
taking a walk while remembering our loved
one. What's valuable here is to acknowledge
our grief, find healthy ways to heal, and give
it time. The expression " one day at a time "
shouldn't be lost here. Grieving requires time
and patience; not only for yourself, but from
others. It is vital for the grieving person to be
given space to heal, as well as empathic support.
In her heart-felt book " The Gifts from Losing
You: Finding Meaning in Life While Living
With Tragedy " , Sara Green (2021) shares a
loving homage to her son, Patrick, who passed
away suddenly from a terrible accident. Sara's
beautiful book is one of heartbreak, love, and
healing. In mourning the loss of her son, she
writes of her experiences during the first year
after his passing. Family and friends were also
invited to share personal stories and tributes
to Patrick. Sara's loving wisdom is evident
throughout the book, and in the concluding
pages she writes:
" We will wear this veil of sadness for the rest
of our lives and we will learn how to wear it the
best we can because it represents immeasurable
love " (pg. 275).
Feeling stuck in your grief is not uncommon,
so ask for help from an experienced Grief
Counselor. Be patient and compassionate
with yourself. Acknowledging grief and loss
is the first step towards healing. Self-compassion
takes place in baby steps...that can
seem gigantic.
" Hope means to keep living amid desperation
and to keep humming in the darkness. Hope is
knowing that there is love, it is trust in tomorrow,
it is falling asleep and waking again when
the sun rises " (Nouwen, 1972, cited by Beach
and White, 2013).
Feeling at peace brings hope and a desire to
appreciate the day. With peace and acceptance,
we develop greater awareness of the good times
with our loved one. We will ache for them. We
may also feel their presence and love. We may
begin to find ways to honor their memory by
visiting that special place, or by creating a
garden of colorful flowers, or lighting a candle
and reciting a special prayer. What's important
is to seek ways that reflect your feelings and
experiences.
Grieving takes time. Healing takes time.
You will learn its pace.
Peace. l
Author's Note: This article is not about overcoming
grief, rather it is an encouragement to find
healthy ways to deal with grief. If you feel at a
loss, please seek support and guidance from an
experienced Grief or Spiritual Counselor. Talk to
your social worker for local resources.
For online resources visit the Hospice Foundation
of America at https://hospicefoundation.org/
resources.
SOME BOOKS TO READ:
" In the Shadows How to Help Your Seriously Ill Adult Child " by Patricia R. Beach
and Beth E. White, (2013).
" The Gifts From Losing You: Finding Meaning In Life While Living with Tragedy "
by Sara Green (2021)
" The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself,
Build Inner Strength, and Thrive " by Kristin Neff, Ph.D. and Christopher Germer,
Ph.D. (2018).
" Eight Critical Questions for Mourners: And the Answers That Will Help You
Heal'' by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. (2010).
ANGIE GIALLOURAKIS, PH.D., CO-FOUDER OF ELEPHANTS AND TEA AND PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF
DIRECTORS FOR THE THE STEVEN G. CANCER FOUNDATION, IS A FORMER REHABILITATION COUNSELOR,
COLLEGE PROFESSOR, RESEARCHER, TURNED CANCER ADVOCATE AND MOTHER TO A FOUR-TIME
CANCER SURVIVOR. OVER THE PAST ELEVEN YEARS SHE HAS SOUGHT TO LEARN ABOUT THE BEST WAYS
TO SURVIVE CANCER TREATMENT. AS A RESULT OF THIS RESEARCH SHE HAS BECOME TRAINED IN
IREST YOGA NIDRA MEDIATION, INTEGRATIVE NUTRITION HEALTH COACH, INTEGRATIVE ONCOLOGY
NAVIGATOR AND YOGA4CANCER TEACHER.
48
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
DECEMBER 2021
https://www.hospicefoundation.org/ http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
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