Elephants and Tea - December 2021 - 6

Grieving Yourself POETRY
Self Grief.
BY AMIT SUBAR SOLWAY
Once upon a time,
I knew who I was.
I loved who I was - I used to be me.
Now, I grieve who I was.
It's not that I can't love myself again.
It's not that I can't learn to love who I am again.
No ... It's not that.
It's that I don't recognize me anymore.
I'm unable to identify myself anymore.
How can you love someone you don't even know?
How can you love someone you've never even met?
How can you love all of you when you can't recognize
any of you?
The part that still keeps my soul flaming,
is how I can feel it's me deep down.
Deep in there somewhere, it's me.
Deep down she's there.
She's there but she needs help to unveil herself.
She's there but she needs help to resurface.
Don't give up on her.
Help her.
She is grieving with you.
She grieves your very loss too.
She grieves her old self too.
I close my eyes and can slightly feel her pulse.
I can faintly feel her warmth.
I can hear her gentle breath.
I can see her whimsical eyes.
But only for a short moment.
I flicker my eyes open.
Suddenly, I feel the room go cold again.
Her pulse becomes faint.
Again ... She's gone.
She's gone.
That real me is lost.
I miss her.
I want her.
Oh, I want to be her so badly.
She's whole, unbroken and naive.
6
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
DECEMBER 2021
Again, I shut my eyes.
I reach out and unfold my hand
just waiting for her to place her
hand in mine...
Hold me.
Walk with me.
Stay by me.
Don't leave me...
Please don't go!
Hold my hand.
Just for one moment...
Let me feel you again.
Let me see you again.
Let me hold you again.
Let me know you again.
Let me be you again.
Even just for one moment ...
I promise just
one moment.
Maybe then, I'll remember you.
Maybe then, I'll recognize you.
I'll know it's you.
I'll remember me.
No matter what, I'll never forget you.
Even if I never see you again,
I'll always remember you.
Even If I only see you in my daydream,
dancing away in the glaring sunshine...
Now, you're just a memory.
A dream.
An empty wish.
I know I have to leave love behind.
I know I have to let you go.
To be at peace with your loss.
To surrender your memory.
To stop searching for you.
To unclench this grasp of my hopeful hand.
I know I have to close this circle of grief.
I know I have to set you free...
so I can finally be me.
AMIT SUBAR
SOLWAY LIVES IN
CALIFORNIA WITH
HER HUSBAND,
JASON, AND THEIR
PUPS, CEDAR
AND BOURBON.
SHE IS RECENTLY
IN REMISSION
FROM BLOOD
CANCER. AMIT IS
THE FOUNDER OF
NATURALLY ON
A HIGH, A PLANT
BASED AND HEALTHFOOD
COMPANY.
Hey you, it's me.
Don't you recognize me!
Don't you know, It's me?
Don't you recognize you?
http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
Elephants and Tea - December 2021

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