Elephants and Tea - March 2022 - 16

Finding Peace in the Divine FACING FEAR
POSTSCRIPT:
The cold of winter has encompassed
North Carolina now, Christmas came
and went, and a new year began. I
find myself three weeks from my first
cancerversary. Last year, right after I
wrote this, I finished chemotherapy,
then had a bilateral mastectomy
to flat, and on August 9th
, 2021 I
will give way to the Moat of fear, of what
we hope will never happen to us. We hope,
get disappointed, face fear, see beauty, and
keep walking. Regardless of percentages or
survival rates. Age, ethnicity, whether or
not we have children. None of us is exempt
from suffering; none of us is exempt from
an end to this life. Like my favorite author,
and a fellow cancer-haver, Kate Bowler says,
" There is no cure for being human. "
We are here now, though. You and me;
this warm Tuesday in July. Whatever is
behind our next door, we cannot predict
beforehand; we can hope it's something
beautiful. Something worth it, something
that leaves a legacy, something that sparks
joy; that brings people together, closer to
peace, closer to our Creator, closer to the
Fortress, across the Moat that attempts to
hold us back. We can walk across the bridge
towards the Fortress propelled by faith, and
for me I find that faith in the nearness of
the God of the Bible I have attempted to
describe. And I believe this God is safe to
hope in. Safe to hope for a way through,
even the most frightening of Moats; safe to
stand under the shadow of His wings, and
find refuge, despite outcomes (though I do
hope they are redirected such that I get to
see my children grow up). Nonetheless, to
live inside the shadow of the Fortress, regardless,
and feel the peace there, despite
circumstance.
I remember the truths I said to the Moat;
I remember I believe " God is before all
things, and in Him all things hold together "
(Colossians 1:17). I remember, and I walk,
moving closer to God who is my Fortress of
hope, and I begin to cross the Moat of fear;
regardless of all the uncertainty before me.
Take that, Moat. (Also, I' ll see you
tomorrow).
received news that humbled me. I
wept as I slowly scrolled down the
MyChart test results; I saw a lot of
zeros. Then, my surgeon called to
assure me that the zeros meant I
had received a pathology complete
response. This blew my mind, and
brought me to my knees in gratitude.
Still, at each morning's wake, I greet
the Moat of fear, breathe deep, and
speak truth to it. " 'His mercy is new
every morning,' Moat, 'Great is His
faithfulness' " (Lamentations 3:23).
I pray, and I get onto the cracked
bridge of life, and every day is one
day further from diagnosis, one day
closer to a less reluctant hope. I
encounter obstacles my heart is not
prepared to encounter, even now in
survivorship. This week, January 4,
2022, I needed to go in and see my
oncologist because I was convinced
the scar thickening on my mastectomy
line was a recurrence. Fear of
recurrence, of Metastatic cancer,
and of the chemo and medicines
causing a new cancer, make up the
waters of the Moat of fear, but each
day, armed with God's mercies anew,
His strength in my weakness (2
Corinthians 12:9), and I walk across.
Deeper breaths, longer exhales, lots
of self-talk reminders to myself and
to the Moat: " God is my Fortress, My
rock, in whom I take refuge " (Psalm
18:2). I still fear, and I still walk forward,
hoping for so many more years
of survivorship. l
ERIN PERKINS IS A STAY AT HOME MOM TO A SEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER AND A THREE
YEAR OLD SON. SHE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH STAGE IIB TRIPLE NEGATIVE BREAST
CANCER AT THE BEGINNING OF 2021, ONE WEEK BEFORE HER 35TH BIRTHDAY. SHE
UNDERWENT 16 CHEMOTHERAPY SESSIONS, AND A BILATERAL MASTECTOMY TO
FLAT, AND HAS BEEN NED SINCE AUGUST 9TH OF 2021. SHE LOVES TO SPEND TIME
WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY, MEET NEW PEOPLE, VOLUNTEER IN ADVOCACY, READ
NONFICTION AND WRITE TO PROCESS LIFE .
16
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
MARCH 2022
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Elephants and Tea - March 2022

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