Elephants and Tea - March 2022 - 35

MOVING FORWARD Frustration in Faith
but I was always intensely interested in the traditions and customs
of Judaism. To me, many stemmed from a logical place and were
based on the idea of community and caring for the soul, and that
sounds good for you, whether or not you believe in God. So again I
asked, what is Judaism's response when someone will not recover?
I decided to research a bit further. I had taken a medical ethics and
Judaism course, and it seemed like the obvious place to dig deeper
into the Jewish response to serious illness and terminal illness.
Judaism has a response to everything, so there had to be a response
to terminal illness as well. When I dug, I discovered that the wise
Rabbis of old decided that you should not tell someone who is terminally
ill that they are going to die. I was done. Enraged. It turned
out, these wise Rabbis didn't know jack shit. Don't tell someone?
What kind of response was that? Then they can't seize the day, they
can't drink up every last minute, every last drop because they don't
know it will be their last. How could that be the correct response?
I decided that Judaism, as a religious enterprise, sucked. I was done
with it. Screw those Rabbis. They aren't wise at all. They don't know
what it is like. Who are they to think that they have the authority
to make that decision for someone else? To deny them information
about their own medical situation? F that. I'm out.
On top of that, my dreams of moving to Israel quickly evaporated.
Following my diagnosis, I had spent the summer working
in Israel. I got incredibly sick and ended up hospitalized. While I
speak Hebrew pretty well, it turns out that medical jargon is another
story. Not to mention, with my diagnosis, it would complicate my
insurance options and leave me under-insured and destined for a
lifetime of uncovered medical expenses. I felt totally betrayed by
both traditional Judaism and my modern Jewish world. I packed
it in and packed away that part of my being.
Throughout the years, people would hear about my diagnosis
and I would get the old, " I'll pray for you. " Cue the internal eye
rolls. Religion. Ugh. But I learned to say thank you and move on.
Several years later, I moved to Denver. I decided to try again to
understand the Jewish response to illness, because as much as I
had left my Judaism, my Judaism had never left me. I spoke to local
Rabbis and tried to understand why you wouldn't tell someone
that they were not going to get better. My understanding is that
the answer comes down to the spirit. The Rabbis were concerned
that if someone knew that they were going to pass, their spirit
would give up. Back then, there weren't " treatments. " Hope in
the face of illness was different. The Rabbis knew that in order to
keep plugging along, people need hope. My anger slowly changed
to indifference.
Through speaking with my friends - no, family - in the cancer
community, I have been able to take a step back, and instead
of listening only to the words that people say, I try to think about
the intention of what they are saying. When people say that they
are praying for me, they are telling me that they are doing the only
active thing that they know how to do for me. My indifference has
now turned to graciousness. And through my acceptance of other
people's connection to religion, and acceptance of their love, I have
opened myself back up to the Jewish world and have begun actively
seeking Jewish connection again.
If you were to ask me today if I identify as a religious person, the
answer would still be no. But the door that had been slammed shut
is opening and letting in the light. The light of my community. I feel
strengthened, a sense of resilience, and finally, a sense of hope - my
soul has started to heal. With a renewed sense of excitement about
the future, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl this fall. I named her
Eliana. Which means, " My God has answered me. "
I recently looked up the words to the " Misheberach " prayer. Given
how focused my anger was on this one specific prayer, I was surprised
to realize that I had never examined the full prayer itself.
May the One who blessed our ancestors -
bless and heal the one who is ill:
son/daughter of
May the Holy Blessed One overflow with compassion upon
them,
to restore them,
to heal them,
to strengthen them,
to enliven them.
The One will send them, speedily,
a complete healing -
healing of the soul and healing of the body -
along with all the ill,
among the people of Israel and all humankind,
Soon, speedily, without delay,
and let us all say: Amen!
" To restore them, to strengthen them, to enliven them...
A healing of the soul. " Maybe those Rabbis weren't so off-base after all.
ERIN LEIBOWITZ IS A SIX YEAR PANCREATIC NEUROENDOCRINE CANCER SURVIVOR AND
A PASSIONATE ADVOCATE FOR YOUNG ADULTS LIVING WITH NET CANCER AND OTHER
CANCERS. SHE CURRENTLY LIVES IN DENVER WITH HER NEWBORN DAUGHTER, ELIANA,
SERVICE DOG MAGGIE, AND TROUBLE MAKER CAT, FRANK. IN HER SPARE TIME, ERIN
ENJOYS EXPLORING COLORADO'S MANY PARKS AND TENDING TO HER PLANTS.
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
MARCH 2022
35
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Elephants and Tea - March 2022

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