Elephants and Tea - March 2022 - 48

Conversation REFLECTIONS WITH RACHEL
Moving Through Anger
BY RACHEL MIHALKO
T
48
he Summer of 2018 I began grasping
at straws, in search of something
permanent, unchanging
- while my entire world was shifting
constantly after my diagnosis of
Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
I was stuck at home every day on
treatment weeks, feeling terrible
and lacking energy. My in-between
treatment weeks were a reprieve from the
pain, but I didn't know what to do with that
time. I put so much pressure on myself to
make those days count, but I felt purposeless,
like I was just biding time until the
next treatment that would knock me out for
another week. I was stuck in the mundanity
of my eight rounds of treatment, and I
needed a distraction.
My creative endeavors over the years
have fluctuated, but photography is something
I have always gravitated towards. I
appreciate old buildings and how they can
tell their own story, and I liked the idea of
photographing them, with their character
and permanence.
I decided to photograph as many churches
in the area as possible; there is no shortage
of church buildings here in the South, so I
drove around the Memphis area, capturing
as many churches as I could.
In that time of my life, I felt peace in the
church and felt strong in my faith. When I
was diagnosed with cancer, I had so many
people reaching out to me, offering to pray
for me. In the beginning, I welcomed their
prayers. Friends would send me Bible verses,
which I would write on index cards and
stick on the wall next to my bed.
However, slowly, my world fell apart. I
was all out of hope, even when I learned the
chemo was working. For so long, I was told
that there would always be hope in the Lord,
but I couldn't see even a shred of it anymore.
This whole topic has been very overwhelming
for me to reflect on. There are so
many directions I could go with this article
but there's just not enough space for all of
my thoughts. I could write a book on faith
and spirituality during and after cancer.
Just a few of the things my book would
cover are my Christian upbringing that
led to a falling-out with the Church after I
finished treatment; I didn't see the support
from my church that I would have wanted,
and that has left tender wounds. I could
tell you how I'm slowly rebuilding that relationship
with a new church body. I could
tell you how much anger I have felt toward
the Lord since I was diagnosed and how that
rage has festered and grown, despite reaching
NED. I could explain how sometimes it
feels easier to deny the presence of a higher
power who is aware of and connected to all
of humanity. Because if that were the case,
I have no way to reconcile the brokenness
and pain of this world with the presence of
a God who cares for us.
I get angry when I meet people who are
secure in their faith, despite having suffered
through cancer or some other pain the
world has inflicted upon them. Maybe it's
because, more than anything, I want to be
them; I want their seemingly unwavering
faith and willingness to let go of the desire
for complete control over their lives.
I'm still exploring so much of my spiritual
and religious pain related to cancer, and I
would be doing our readers a disservice if I
pretended to have it all figured out.
Cancer taught me that no amount of
knowledge will protect you from the harsh
realities of the world. I have so much knowledge
from a Christian upbringing, but none
of that prepared me for the loneliness that
came with survivorship. I felt an emptiness
like no other when I reached remission.
I want to have faith. Faith in something.
I still go to church, but not the church I
was attending when I had cancer. I found
a church that seems more understanding,
but that doesn't erase the pain I've experienced
from the Church in the past. I still
have trouble singing during worship, and
I haven't opened my Bible on my own in
months. The community is what keeps me
coming back to church. I've found people
there who are hurting as I am, and it's
comforting to know that I'm not the only
one who has been stung by the Church as
an institution.
Church buildings don't bring me as much
comfort as they used to, although I still feel
a sense of nostalgia whenever I drive past
a church I photographed. I still have much
to learn about faith and spirituality, and
I know I'll never have all the answers, no
matter how badly I want them. I yearn for
answers as to why all this happens to any
of us, and sometimes that yearning can be
all-consuming.
I'm trying to let myself feel my anger
towards God. I can't repress these feelings
anymore, no matter how appealing it may
be. Wish me luck. l
RACHEL MIHALKO IS THE DIRECTOR OF CONTENT AT ELEPHANTS AND TEA AND IS A HODGKIN'S
LYMPHOMA SURVIVOR. SHE LOVES THEATRE, WRITING POETRY, AND CRAFTING OF ALL SORTS.
READING HAS FUELED HER PASSION FOR WRITING, AND YOU WILL RARELY FIND HER WITHOUT A
BOOK ON HAND.
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
MARCH 2022
http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
Elephants and Tea - March 2022

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