Elephants and Tea - June 2022 - 18

Dear Cancer...
SHA'LEICIA SIMPSON
Dear Cancer,
Last year I wrote you a letter like this one,
but now I am in a very different place, and I
have a lot more to say. Last year when I wrote
to you, I was a 23-year-old patient struggling
with the effects of chemo. Now I am a
24-year-old survivor trying to heal and find
my footing again. Last year I told you that I
couldn't believe you showed up in my life. It's
been over a year now, and I still can't believe
it. I am starting to think this feeling of shock
and denial will never go away. Last year you
stopped my life in its tracks just three weeks
before I was set to start my journey to become
a nurse. Now, I am on this challenging, but
rewarding journey, and getting closer and
closer to my destination. Last year, you stole
my hair, one of my most prized possessions.
Now it's back and growing as beautiful as
ever. Last year, you made me unable to recognize
myself in the mirror. Now, I am learning
to love this new person I see and growing to
accept and appreciate the mended and broken
parts of her.
Even though you are no longer in my
body, you are still deeply ingrained in my
mind. Unfortunately, I still see traces of you
in my life every day. I struggle to remember
simple words and tasks. Sometimes I am
triggered by little things like the smell of
alcohol wipes. I panic every time I feel discomfort
in my neck, any pain in my body,
or when I wake up realizing I had night
sweats. I still must face the debt you left
me in. Sometimes I feel I can't be loved in
a relationship because no one can handle
the heavy baggage I come with. I thought
that life after you would be all sunshine and
rainbows, and some days are. Some days
feel like a walk in the park, but others feel
GAINING PERSPECTIVE
DEAR CANCER, THIS HAS NOT BEEN A LINEAR JOURNEY
like walking in a pitch-dark tunnel with no
light at the end. I am beyond blessed and
thankful to be here, and I thank God every
day. But you left a huge burden of guilt on
my back, and it hurts. I feel it every single
day. Why did you come and take over my
body for six months and leave, but snatch
the lives of other people just as deserving
to live? You are evil for that. You cannot
convince me that I am more deserving of
life than the next. So why me? Why them?
Why not me?
Remember when I told you that you put
a dark cloud of anxiety over my head that
looms there every second of the day? Well,
that cloud is still here. Why? Because of
the thought that you may return one day.
You are like a dormant volcano, waiting
to erupt and wreak havoc on my life when
I least expect it. I pray every day that you
won't. Please stay where you are and let me
live the rest of my life.
Last year, I told you I would never thank
you. I couldn't find a reason to. Now, I hate
to admit it, but I found a few. As a future
healthcare worker, thank you for giving me
a perspective to help and relate to my future
patients who are affected by you. Now
I can help them not feel alone. Thank you
for strengthening my compassion for and
desire to help others. Because of the grace,
empathy, and compassion shown to me over
the past year, I am even more motivated to
show up for others in the same way. Thank
you for putting life into perspective for me. I
used to think that as a young, healthy adult,
I was exempt from something as severe as
cancer, but you hit me with a reality check.
Then I remembered life is short and life is
fragile, so every moment here is a blessing.
Now, even on my darkest days, I still have
so much gratitude, because being alive and
being a survivor are privileges I can never
take for granted. I still don't understand
why YOU had to be the one to do those
things, but I am not sure if I will ever know
the answer.
Dear cancer, after dealing with you for
over a year, I have finally come to the realization
that I can't completely get rid of you.
Your footprint is way too big to ever wipe
away. Truth is, when something as big as
you comes along and causes the amount of
grief, guilt, anxiety, depression, loneliness,
and lingering physical effects as you did, it's
almost impossible to get rid of completely.
To be honest, I don't think life is learning to
get rid of challenges, but rather learning to
live with and get through them. That's what
the beauty of life is. Still finding joy through
it all. Every day I challenge myself to do this
because you do everything in your power
to convince me that I can't heal. This has
not been a linear journey and sometimes
I feel like I am going backwards, but I am
fighting with every inch of energy I have to
prove you wrong. You are putting up a good
fight, but it will never be enough to stop me.
SHA'LEICIA SIMPSON IS 24 YEARS OLD. SHE IS A SURVIVOR OF STAGE 2 HODGKIN'S LYMPHOMA.
SIMPSON WAS DIAGNOSED IN DECEMBER 2020, AND HAS BEEN IN REMISSION FOR NINE MONTHS. SHE
IS CURRENTLY IN NURSING SCHOOL AT EMORY UNIVERSITY IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA, AND HOPES TO
WORK AS AN ONCOLOGY OR NICU NURSE UPON GRADUATION.
18
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
JUNE 2022
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Elephants and Tea - June 2022

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