Elephants and Tea - June 2022 - 21

often have to work hard at not only finding " The Zone, " but then staying in it the
whole time to achieve orgasm. This helps explain why our orgasms can be notoriously
fickle. All it takes is one ill-timed distraction to interrupt our concentration, and it
can be game over!
» Addressing Distracting Thoughts
The problem is that most of us have a hard time shutting down our random,
rapid-fire thoughts. These could be associated with our sexual experience (Does
my stomach look weird in this position? Will my partner feel bad if I don't orgasm?
Why is it taking so long?), or totally unrelated to sex (Did I forget to add milk to
the grocery list?). We all get in our own head sometimes, but there are ways to
reduce these mental roadblocks. Mindfulness is a skill that strengthens present
awareness, which can help your brain stay in-the-moment long enough during
sex to nurture an orgasm to fruition. Learn more in Dr. Lori Brotto's book Better
Sex Through Mindfulness.
» Addressing Distracting Environments
Adjusting your physical space can really help prevent environmental distractions.11
Make sure you have adequate privacy and time so that you don't feel rushed and
aren't worried about being interrupted. Is the temperature of the room warm
enough? Is the lighting relaxing and visually pleasing? Are there any cats meowing,
dogs barking, or piles of unfolded laundry in the corner of the room ready
to catch your eye? You get the idea.
▷ Priming the (Erotic) Pump
Just as important as reducing distractions is the idea of sexy stimulation for your
brain. Finding ways to pique mental interest and get those gears turning can encourage
your body to respond more readily to sexual touch. Essentially, it can help you
reach that orgasm threshold.
» Use Your Imagination
Examples include remembering a previous experience you have had that was especially
exciting or erotic, visualizing a steamy movie scene, or creating a sexual
fantasy. Watching or reading erotica (look up author Emily Foster) can also get
the creative juices flowing. Get your partner in on the fun by taking turns reading
erotic fiction bedtime stories aloud to each other.
» Use All Five Senses
Our senses are closely linked with our emotional responses. Think of how quickly
a specific song or a scent can evoke a vivid memory or a strong, visceral feeling.
Spend some time considering the circumstances around some great sexual encounters
you have had. What bits and pieces of these scenarios can you bring into
your current sensory experience?
» Tune into Touch
What does it feel like to explore the palms of your hands, inner thighs, collar
bone, lips, scalp? Experiment with how different types of touch create sensations
in other areas of your body. This can be done alone or with a partner, as long as
genitals are off limits! Touching for touch's sake can be fun and relaxing, and it's
a way to reconnect to the sensations that often get lost when the focus is purely
on " doing sex. "
» Bolster Blood Flow
Exciting things that get our adrenaline pumping create a lot of the same physiological
changes that occur when we are sexually charged: faster heart rate and
breathing, increased oxygenation and blood flow, perspiration, feelings of tense
AM I NORMAL?
First of all, the short answer is yes. Yes,
you are normal.9
Secondly, if you think
you are not, it's probably because
every movie you have ever watched
has lied to you.
I guess that's probably a little dramatic,
but the bubble that I am trying to bust
here is that orgasms do not magically
just happen with penis-in-vagina sex,
as so many film scripts would have
us believe. In fact, whenever a sexy
scene comes on-screen, I usually
can't enjoy it because I am too busy
rolling my eyes and whispering to
whoever is within earshot that " it SO
doesn't work like that! " I mean, come
on. Where's the mental and emotional
(i.e., non-genital) lead-up? The lube
application? The condom? All the
handsy stuff? Where are the weird
body noises and facial expressions,
the occasional head bumps, the
nervous giggles?
My point is that sexual authenticity is
sorely lacking representation in our
popular culture, and it's important
that we don't buy into everything we
see. (One exception I have found is
the endearing sex scene featured
in the film Nick and Norah's Infinite
Playlist, which gave me all the feels!)
At the risk of being labeled as the wet
blanket of erotica, I prefer realism and
honesty over staged ecstasy. If sexual
encounters in Hollywood looked more
like they actually happen in real life,
maybe we all wouldn't feel so woefully
inadequate all the time about our
bodies and the human variability in
our sexual responses. Sex can be silly
or steamy. Sometimes it's mind-blowing;
other times, meh. It's normal to
experience fluctuating levels of desire,
intensity, and satisfaction on occasion.
So, if what you experience, enjoy, and
prefer to do sexually does not mirror
that of paid actors, never fear! If it's
safe, happy, and consensual, then it's
right and good. Authentically satisfying
sexual encounters are often perfectly
imperfect. That's life, and that's normal.
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
JUNE 2022
21

https://www.tiktok.com/@hayleygeorgiamorris/video/7068628217044782342?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1 https://www.elephantsandtea.com/sexuality/intimate-issues-with-marloe-your-brain-in-the-bedroom/ https://emilyfosterwrites.wordpress.com/about/ https://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2009/05/15/infinite_love_for_nick_and_norah https://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2009/05/15/infinite_love_for_nick_and_norah http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM

Elephants and Tea - June 2022

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