Elephants and Tea - June 2022 - 34

Dear Cancer...
DAN GODLEY
Dear Cancer,
In November 2021, I was diagnosed with you
after five weeks of hospital appointments,
scans, and blood tests. I was 28 years old. I
am 29 years old now and eight cycles into
chemotherapy, with four more to go before
the next progress scan.
I have learned to facetiously refer to you
as " The 'C-Word " because of how people
react to your presence. Some people tune
out as I talk about you, probably choosing
an " ignorance is bliss " approach to the
topic and assuming it will never happen
to them. Others can't bear to face the reality
of it. " You're young; you'll survive. "
It can almost feel callous when people say
words to that effect, but I know that isn't
their intent. The fact is that you are scary.
You are the diagnosis that no one wants to
hear, the one that everyone fears-the great
equalizer. Every time I see a headline that
a celebrity has died at an unusually young
age, I reluctantly scan the article. Your name
is commonly there. Sometimes the word
" pancreatic " proceeds it, and my stomach
sinks even more.
Many people, medical professionals
mainly, express how unlucky I am to be
dealing with pancreatic cancer at my age.
Statistically, I am very unfortunate. I have
heard several figures quoted as the average
age of someone diagnosed with my ailment,
all of them over 70. I am a touch younger
than that.
The week after I was diagnosed, I purchased
a lottery ticket. I am not a superstitious
person usually, but I couldn't help myself.
I was confident I would win something.
How could I get pancreatic cancer
at 28 and NOT win a simple
lottery? It was easy compared to
what I had managed to achieve
with you. The day came and I
checked the lottery app to see
if I had won. Not one number.
You have my number, though,
and I am left dealing with the
consequences.
At first, that consisted of
much existentialism. Immediately
after my diagnosis, I
spent three days in the hospital.
Sitting in the bed as I
waited for a procedure that
afternoon, I thought about how
long I would be alive before
I finally surrendered to you.
Maybe three years. Maybe one.
Perhaps I would be cured; no,
that last one couldn't possibly
happen. It's undoubtedly a matter of time
now. Better face the reality of the situation
than to delude myself with hope, which is
a dangerous thing.
The " doom " phase lasted a few weeks,
sparked by the leaflets, and fueled by some
pessimistic doctors. " In a small number of
cases, chemotherapy will reduce the size of
the tumor, " I read in a leaflet titled " Pancreatic
Cancer and Diet. " I thought this would
be the least risky leaflet to read, but even
this contained harrowing information. The
doctor told me that I really needed chemotherapy
to work if I was going to survive. I
am currently classed as inoperable because
the tumor has spread to a major artery. I
not only need chemotherapy to shrink my
HATEFUL YET THANKFUL
DEAR CANCER, EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING
Content/Trigger Warning: Thoughts of suicide
tumor, but I also need to shrink it away
from the artery. Without the artery being
healthy, I can't have the operation. Without
the operation, I can't get rid of the cancer.
Upon reading the sentence, I sat crying in
my hospital gown and wishing I could just
opt out of the whole thing and die. At my
lowest stage, I thought about a train crossing
I used to cycle over where the locomotives
came flying through at speeds of up to 112
miles an hour. That's where I would do it.
I am happy to say that you have given
me far more to be grateful for over time
than to loathe you for. Reading has always
been a big hobby, and I have always wanted
to try writing, but I didn't think I had
anything interesting to say. After starting
DAN GODLEY IS 29 YEARS OLD. HE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH PANCREATIC CANCER AT THE AGE
OF 28 AND HAS BEEN WRITING SINCE STARTING CHEMOTHERAPY IN NOVEMBER 2021. THIS IS
THE SECOND TIME HE HAS HAD HIS WRITING ACCEPTED IN A PUBLICATION. HE REGULARLY
WRITES ON HIS BLOG AND HAS STARTED TRYING HIS HAND AT SHORT STORY WRITING, SO BE
SURE TO SUBSCRIBE TO IT IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THE CONTENT.
34
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
JUNE 2022
http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
Elephants and Tea - June 2022

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