Elephants and Tea - June 2022 - 35

HATEFUL YET THANKFUL Dear Cancer...
DEAR CANCER, WE HAVE BEEN
ON AN ADVENTURE
chemotherapy, I created my blog called Ebb
and Flow. It doesn't get a massive number
of views, but it gets far more than I thought
it would when I started it. People comment
on the quality of the writing, which makes
me feel more accomplished than anything I
have achieved in my job as an IT consultant.
I participated in the Run 40 in February
Strava Challenge for Pancreatic Cancer UK,
raising over £7,000 for them. My campaign
was in the top 1 percent of fundraisers on
Just Giving in February. I have also asked
my girlfriend to marry me and have spent
more time with my parents than I ever
thought I would again; I had to move back
in with them as I couldn't afford to live in
London anymore while undergoing treatment.
Every cloud has a silver lining, and
I have found my fair share of silver linings
over time.
None of these achievements mean as
much as this final one, though-I have proven
that I can fight you, cancer. I remember
seeing the advertisements for Cancer Research
UK before I was diagnosed and having
so much admiration for those fighting
against you. " I could never do that, " I said
to myself. I really believed it-I couldn't
even have a blood test without feeling like
I would pass out. At my three-month scan,
I found out that the chemotherapy was
proving effective and that we had almost
halved you. The tissue around the artery is
looking healthier, too. There's still a long
way to go before I can say that I am cured.
The surgeons need to approve the surgery,
which may take other methods such as
radiotherapy and Nanoknife to achieve.
Then I need that surgery to be successful.
After that, I go into the stressful stage of remission,
constantly fearing that at the next
progress scan, I will find out that you have
come back with a vengeance, lurking like a
shadow, dormant until detected.
It's a long road, but it's the only way out
of the woods. I am tackling it with my
head held high, surrounded by loved ones
and holding onto whatever hope I can. The
worst that can happen is that you win and
I die, but at least I'll know I gave it a good
go and found plenty of happiness doing so.
MICHELLE LAWRENCE
Dear Second Half,
We have been on an adventure for 13 years this April, ironically
both of us are celebrating our " birth " on my birthday.
I hate you, and at times I am grateful.
You have stolen moments from me that I will never get
back. You have limited me in so many ways by constantly
throwing a wrench into my plans. After 13 years, you have
broken down my body; years of treatment, procedures,
tests, hospitalizations, and because you are rare, often a
lot of guesswork. You stole my ability to have children,
threw me into menopause in my early thirties, and have
limited my stamina. You have given me 13 years of
financial stress, while trying to support myself-I am
constantly fighting the system for affordable access to
treatment while trying to pay my bills. Recently, I had a
financial overview: 41 percent of my income is spent on
medical expenses. The financial advisor had the audacity
to ask, " Is there any way you can decrease that? " I hung
up the phone and cried.
I am blessed because you have taught me a LOT of
lessons, sometimes repeatedly when I don't listen. One
is to SLOW down. Before we met, I was constantly going
and ensuring I was taking care of everyone else. When I
try to go too fast you quickly remind me it's not worth
the pain. I had lost my voice. You forced me to find my
voice, my fight, and my ability to be resilient. I now enjoy
the small moments; that good cup of coffee, the ability
to go for a walk, sitting in the sun, being able to shower
and dress by myself, a chat with a loved one, and even
a good nap. You provided me with the skills to really
listen to my body and to take care of myself. Sometimes
I may not listen, but you shout louder. I am blessed and
thankful you have shown me the perspective that life
doesn't go as planned and tomorrow is never promised.
Don't stress about not knowing what to eat for dinner,
having a bad hair day, someone cutting you off in traffic,
or other trivial moments. You have instructed me
to be careful where I put my energy, and to step back
and take pause. Flexibility is a skill I am still working
on after 13 years; you love to change things up. Life isn't
boring, that is a blessing.
Happy Birthday Second Half. I will remain open-hearted,
have an open mind, and
continue to work hard on
being kind.
Much love,
- your BETTER half.
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
JUNE 2022
35
ON MICHELLE
LAWRENCE'S BIRTHDAY
13 YEARS AGO-WHO IS
NOW 44 YEARS OLD-
SHE WAS DIAGNOSED
WITH CHRONIC
T-CELL LYMPHOCYTIC
LEUKEMIA, ALSO
KNOWN AS LGL. LGL
IS A RARE TYPE OF
LEUKEMIA, OFTEN
MOST PEOPLE ARE
DIAGNOSED IN
THEIR FIFTIES OR
SIXTIES. LAWRENCE
RESIDES IN NEW
HAMPSHIRE, WHERE
SHE CAN ACCESS THE
MOUNTAINS, THE
OCEAN OR LAKES,
EVEN ALL IN ONE DAY.
BEING SURROUNDED BY
FAMILY AND FRIENDS
IS ESSENTIAL TO HER
AND IS SOMETHING
THAT SHE TREASURES.
LAWRENCE ALSO
LOVES PHOTOGRAPHY,
CRAFTING, THE
OCEAN, COLLECTING
SEA GLASS, AND
WRITING TO NAME
JUST A FEW OF HER
INTERESTS. SHE WORKS
AS A CLINICAL CASE
MANAGER AT A LOCAL
NONPROFIT THAT
PROVIDES SERVICES
FOR INDIVIDUALS
WHO EXPERIENCE
DEVELOPMENTAL
DISABILITIES OR HAVE
A BRAIN INJURY; SHE
VALUES SERVING
HER COMMUNITY.
HER BIGGEST GOAL
IS TO TRY AND LIVE
WITH THE MINDSET
OF HAVING AN OPEN
HEART, AN OPEN MIND,
AND BEING KIND.
http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
Elephants and Tea - June 2022

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