Elephants and Tea - June 2022 - 47

HEALING Dear Cancer...
DEAR CANCER, THANK YOU
FOR TEACHING ME PATIENCE
NATALIE SHOULTER
Dear Cancer,
I would often think of you before I knew you. When
I was a child, I would think to myself, " I was one of
six children. What are the odds that none of us got
cancer? " As I got into my teenage years, the question
then became " Which one of us? " As I approached
my twenties, my mother fell ill and those thoughts
faded, but it didn't take long for you to creep back in.
By the time I turned 26, I had developed an abnormal
growth in my uterus. I tried to stop you right
in your tracks, but your growth was fast, and ultimately,
I signed a paper to remove you for good . . . or
so I thought. In the meantime, I noticed an unusual
lump in my right breast. You got me. I thought I had
gotten rid of you, but it seemed my fate had been
decided. You would be a part of me forever. The days
passed to months then into a year. I was tired and
you proved you were strong. You broke me down
even as I tried to fight you. Then it hit me plain as
day. You had been with me my whole life, and I was
no longer an answer to my childhood question. I
accepted you. You could no longer take anything
that I wasn't willing to already give. My uterus, my
breast, my hair, and my bones. For the first time,
I am in control. Thank you for making me love
myself, for teaching me patience, and for giving me
the strength to adapt just as fast as you!
Love always,
- Natalie Shoulter
DEAR CANCER,
YOU TOOK THE
BEST PARTS
OF ME
TORI NORTH
Cancer,
I cannot even begin to
describe the absolute void
that lives within me because
of you. I have been physically
rid of you for almost six
years now, and yet somehow
you still manage to wreak
havoc on my soul. I have lost
countless hours of sleep over
you because my thoughts
won't stop hammering away
in my head. You caused me
to fall into emotional numbness
at my most vulnerable
times. I know for certain the
things you have taken from
me, but what makes me feel
worse is the things I do not
know. Who would I have
been if you never paid me
a visit? What would I have
achieved during the time we
ultimately spent together?
Where would I be right now?
Peace of mind is something I will never know again-if I ever knew it at
all. I was only 19 when you took residence in my body; I am 25 now, and most
days it feels like nothing has changed. Cancer free does not really mean cancer
free. Everywhere I look, it is through your lens. When I meet people, I think,
" They will never know me as well as you do. " You took the best parts of me, the
parts I have fought so hard to get back, only to realize they are never coming
back. I am not rebuilding what was once there. I have completely started over
on a foundation whose solidity I have never been sure of. People will point
out how far I have come, but you have warped my sense of time, too. At 19,
I am sure six years probably would have felt like an eternity, but you make it
feel like it was just yesterday.
For someone who so desperately wants to be seen, you make me want to
NATALIE SHOULTER IS A THREE-TIME
STAGE 4 BREAST CANCER THRIVER.
SHE FOUND HER CANCER AT AGE
26. SOON SHE WILL CELEBRATE HER
THIRTY-THIRD BIRTHDAY, CANCER
FREE FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2016.
hide amongst the darkest of shadows. You are the sun who burns so hot and
bright, and I am cast beneath you. Without you, I am a vast nothingness. I
am the void, and I have become lost in a me I never got to know. People will
say I have gained a perspective most will never have. I ask them, at what cost?
At the cost of me? At the cost of my peace, my love, my light, my happiness?
As poet John Lyly wrote, " The rules of fair play do not apply in love and war. "
I think the same could be said for you.
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
JUNE 2022
47
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Elephants and Tea - June 2022

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