Elephants and Tea - June 2022 - 8

Dear Cancer...
RESILIENT
DEAR CANCER, YOU INFLICT PAIN
ELLEN O'BRIEN
Dear Cancer,
I am writing to express my anger regarding
the pain you have caused. You have taken
many things from my life that I will never be
able to get back.
My grievances began in 1993 at the age of
five when you first arrived. You presented
yourself in the form of a malignant brain
tumor. Cancer, I know you thought this was
a good age to enter my life because if I survived,
I may not remember nor understand
the treatment it would take to eradicate you
from my body.
Cancer, do you know what five-yearold
girls are supposed to be doing at this
age? They are supposed to be going to prekindergarten
and making friends. Fiveyear-old
girls are supposed to be learning
how to swim or ride a bike in the summer.
They are supposed to be going apple picking
and dressing up for trick-or-treating in
the fall, sledding or making snowmen and
drinking hot cocoa in the winter.
But no, thanks to you, I was in the hospital
going for tests, having IVs put into my
arm, and being woken up in the middle
of the night to check my blood pressure
and temperature. I was being wheeled off
to MRIs and CAT scans and undergoing
chemotherapy and radiation. I was losing
my hair! Do you want to know what the
worst part was? I was five years old, and I
had no idea that this was not a normal life
for a young girl.
Cancer, do you have any idea what it is
like for a five-year-old girl to lose her hair?
They didn't make dolls or Barbie dolls
without hair. Commercials were a constant
reminder that you were different and don't
even get me started on mirrors! I felt constantly
stared at, pointed at, and laughed
at. It took me a long time to realize I was
pitied. I can almost hear you laughing, but
this is all your fault.
Kids, without understanding, can be relentlessly
cruel, but it's nothing compared
to the pity from adults. Don't get me wrong,
adults can be cruel, but the pity is worse.
It weighs on you like you did something
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ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
JUNE 2022
wrong. Pity hurts. " The poor girl, " while in
the back of their minds they think, " thank
God it's not my child. "
Cancer, you inflict pain on more than just
your inhabitants.
I was five, my sister was just one. Do you
know what one-year-old girls are supposed
to be learning? First, a one-year-old is still
adjusting to the world, their environment,
getting to know the people in their life, and
becoming familiar with the faces of their
family. My sister, if she was lucky, had one
parent at home looking after her. Other
times she would be with an aunt, uncle, or
a friend of the family. I am not saying that
I am not incredibly grateful for all of those
who cared for her, but this should never
have been the norm. I am incredibly proud
of who she is today. Despite you, she is one
of the smartest, well-read, driven people I
know. Don't you dare smile and take credit
for any of that. She did that on her own.
Cancer, you left me feeling guilty. Let's
start with my sister. I was the older sister,
I was supposed to be there to help, teach,
comfort, and even argue with her. No, you
robbed me of several years of relationshipbuilding,
but we are great friends despite
you. In my opinion, she had to grow up too
fast, learning to care for herself. My sister
had to learn too early that the world is not
fair. Cancer, all of that is on you.
Cancer, your behavior was awful. You
didn't know this, but my mother had a
daughter before me. Unfortunately, that
baby-my big sister-died shortly after
birth. Then I was born, and you came along
and threatened them all over again.
Here's the thing, Cancer, not only did you
invade my brain once but twice. Devastating
my family, you slithered your way in when
I was five, and even after surgery, you left
something behind. I hear you laughing
again, but your gift of dead scar tissue almost
left me blind.
Then you graced me with your presence
again, resulting in a third surgery. This surgery
occurred the day before my youngest
sister was born. You forced my father to
split his time and emotions between an InMy
sister, if she was lucky,
had one parent at home
looking after her. Other
times she would be with an
aunt, uncle, or a friend of
the family.
tensive Care Unit in one hospital and Labor
and Delivery in another. I look at photos
of myself holding my newborn sister and
I am angry that I do not have memories
of her childhood. She should not have had
to grow up in your presence. That should
never have been one of her struggles.
Do I have survivor's guilt? I suppose
you could say that. When I look back at
everything you put me through, I do occasionally
think that I am not supposed to be
here right now. So yes, I hold a little bit of
survivor's guilt, but it is nothing compared
to the anger I hold against you.
Cancer, as if you haven't provided
enough stress, anxiety, and fear, let's touch
on the topic of something else you stole
from me-memories. You may be patting
yourself on the back right now thinking,
" Well, I may have caused her pain, but at
least she was too young to remember. " Yes,
a lot of that is true. I am thankful I cannot
remember most of my treatment. However,
you also robbed me of many memories.
The memories I didn't get to make and
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