Elephants and Tea - December 2022 - 18

Sexuality DEAR JACK FOUNDATION
Hormonally (and, let's call a spade a spade
here, traumatically) post-cancer and treatment,
my body couldn't care less about any
sort of sexual activity. As far as my body
is concerned, the sex shop is closed for
good. The amount of mental gymnastics
required to get me " in the mood " is enough
to program an entire summer Olympics.
As if that isn't frustrating enough, that's
just from the chemo. Radiation wreaked-
and continues to wreak two years outside
of treatment-its own havoc on my body.
Did you know that once radiation treatment
is over, the actual radiation isn't?
Sounds confusing, but it's true. Long after
the big machine is finished zapping you
with its tumor shrink ray, the radiation
continues to work its dark magic within
your body. For me, this meant everything
in my pelvis shrank. Yeah, everything.
Suddenly, sexual intercourse was no longer
an enjoyable or pleasurable way for
my husband and I to connect like it used
to be. The radiation side effects made it
painful and scary. Oftentimes, there was
blood. A lot of it. I would shed tears, and
my husband would crumple over in horror
at the scene of hurting me so intensely.
Along with the physical pain came some
serious emotional pain, too. The reality
of what we were going through just wasn't
fair. Cancer never is.
Of course, when all is said and done, my
husband and I prefer me sexually inept and
still alive, as opposed to the alternative,
but still. Thankfully, I'm pretty stubborn,
so I was determined not to let the cancer
win here. At some point, I realized that
while I may not be able to change my body
post-cancer, I could change my mind. So,
I chose to do just that. I reoriented my
posture from focusing on what I couldn't
control to what I could, and started to
change my body beginning with my brain.
I chose to go on a shopping spree for
new underwear that, while it can't cover
my scars, makes me feel attractive and
sexy. I also purchased vaginal dilators
and used them religiously to combat the
effects of radiation. I consciously pursued
other means of sexual connection with my
husband. I reached out to my medical team
and was able to get prescribed hormone
therapy to slog against the side effects of
menopause. I researched natural remedies
and supplements and took them all. In a
bold (and some may say " woo woo " ) move,
I even got my hands on certain crystals that
are supposed to encourage female sexuality.
Whether it's all in my head or not, it's
working. I am not exaggerating when I say
that I was willing to do whatever it would
take to come back into my body in this
way, telling cancer that it isn't the boss of
me and my physiology.
As of this writing, I feel comfortable
saying that I am finally back in control
of my body, because I have taken control
of my mind. I have made an intentional
choice to move forward post-cancer in
a way that allows me to interact with my
body as it is, in this new normal. I have
made peace with the things I cannot control-the
scarring and the way the scars are
healing, the volatility of my insides, and
the after effects of treatment-and I have
committed to focusing on the things I am
actually in control of.
Now, excuse me. I have to get to the next
underwear sale at Target! l
" I am not exaggerating
when I say that I was
willing to do whatever it
would take to come back
into my body in this
way, telling cancer that
it isn't the boss of me
and my physiology. "
In partnership with the Dear Jack Foundation, this
column provides a platform for the often forgotten
partners of young adults with cancer. Each quarter,
we will give them space to share the experiences and
unique challenges they face as they care for their
loved ones.
The Dear Jack Foundation provides quality of life programming
that directly benefits young adult cancer patients, survivors, and their families. Dear Jack's Breathe Now Retreats
specifically offer young adult couples in survivorship the chance to reconnect in their relationship and foster their friendship
through yoga, meditation, connection, and psychosocial support.
18
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
DECEMBER 2022

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Elephants and Tea - December 2022

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