Elephants and Tea - December 2022 - 20

Embracing My Body FIRST DESCENTS
Unapologetically Me
BY CHRISTINE JON'EL
O
20
n August 25, 2017, I
pushed myself out of
my comfort zone and
boarded a 5:00 a.m.
flight from Chicago,
Il linois, to Tarkio,
Montana. On my way
to the airport, it dawned on me that I had
just signed up to go whitewater kayaking
with a bunch of strangers, and I had no
idea how I was going to accomplish it. I
immediately began to regret my decision,
and over the next nine hours, me, myself,
and I had a very intense conversation about
how this was going to happen.
I decided to go on this trip after finishing
my second battle with cancer. I had just
beaten breast cancer at 23, and it was so hard
on me. It left me in a very vulnerable and raw
state, and I knew deep down that I needed
to disappear to find myself again. The irony
was, it wasn't actually my breast cancer that
made me want to jump out of this plane to
go back home, it was my first cancer. I was
diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma when I
was two years old, and I lost my right leg to
it. Growing up, I experienced the darkness
of the world and learned that the best way
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for me to survive was to hide who I was.
So, I avoided situations that would force
me to expose myself. One of the things on
my list was waterparks and pools, because
I couldn't get my prosthetic leg wet, and I
knew how the world would respond to my
naked, partially missing limb. Now, here
I was on the airplane asking myself, what
would make me sign up to go kayaking
with a bunch of strangers knowing that I
would have to take my leg off and expose
my residual limb?
As I got closer and closer to Montana,
the reality really began to set in. When the
plane landed, I knew it was too late to go
back and I would have to be brave and conquer
my fear ... though I was still unaware
of how I was going to accomplish this. As
we congregated in a corner of the airport, I
hid inside my fear, a method of protecting
myself. I had begun asking myself if I should
ask to leave when I got to the cabin. I knew
the water was a no-go for me, I had cast that
idea out of my head a long time ago, after
years of seeing how people reacted to me.
I was afraid of experiencing that pain and
humiliation again, this time so far away
from home.
While we were waiting for more people
to arrive, a few of us decided to walk down
to the river for a closer view. I am always
down to explore, so I jumped at the opportunity
as the water was truly calling
me. I watched as a few people jumped in,
observing as they swam and floated down
the stream. I wanted to get in so badly, but
the little girl in my head told me not to. The
other participants were so kind, offering to
carry me or help me stand in the water, but
I told them I wasn't ready.
That night, I tossed and turned in my
sleep at the idea of getting in the water with
my leg off. " How am I going to do this, " I
asked myself. I couldn't even get in the water
earlier, how was I going to get in a kayak
and float down the river?
For the remainder of the night, I pondered
the idea, thinking of different methods
where I could leave my leg on while on the
water. It was obvious that the thought wasn't
possible. If my leg were to get wet it would
turn into rust, plus I was wearing a newly
donated knee and I just couldn't risk it.
The next morning it was time for us to get
in our kayaks. When the time came for us to
get on the river I was freaking out, honestly,
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Elephants and Tea - December 2022

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