Elephants and Tea - December 2022 - 9

WORTHY OF LOVE Embracing My Body
I begged, and I pleaded with the doctors
before my 13-hour surgery. I was unsure if
I would have both of my legs when I woke
up or just one. It was pure torture, but the
operation had to be done.
With more than half of the day spent on
an operating table and my left leg sliced in
half, I woke up with both of my legs and
a new me. But the new me was flawed.
Traumatized. Insecure. Scared.
It took a while to understand that the
old me was gone. I looked different. I felt
different. I acted differently.
I remember clearly seeing a dramatic
difference in both of my legs. My right leg
was thick, curvy, and healthy. My left leg
was thin and disfigured. I had a huge scar
that marched up my leg; the surgeon tied
my left quad and hamstring together to
give me a fuller look.
Despite their creative efforts, I could see
my left butt cheek from the front. I had a
massive chunk of muscle missing and I felt
so ugly; I knew there would be no one that
would accept this new Brandi.
I couldn't even accept her myself. I
thought the most challenging part was
over-the cancer was gone-but now I
was forced to live with this new me that
I hated.
I slowly understood the term " outcast "
and yearned for acceptance from the world.
Was I worthy of love? Would I ever feel selflove
again? Would people point and stare
at me? Can I handle this new life? Will I
become suicidal? Who is going to love me
with a 24-inch scar on my body?
I had all these questions and no answers-I
had just begun my journey of
survivorship. I remember going back and
forth with myself about getting plastic
surgery done on my left leg.
I could care less about the scar, but I
wanted to be able to look into the mirror
and not see my left butt cheek from the
front any longer.
I had talked myself into getting the surgery
done on my leg to try and fill out the
gap. I had a tissue expander put into my leg,
and a few months later, there was enough
stretched skin to pull over the hole; but it
was still not enough to fix the problem.
I needed volume. I needed mass. Pulling
the skin over a sunken pit did nothing. I
was so discouraged and upset that I was not
only disabled, but now I looked disabled.
I ran from myself. I ran from self-love. I hid
in the shadows of my past life and didn't dare
explore the new me. I was scared to see my
opinion of myself and see the new responsibility
I had acquired along the way due to cancer.
I ran away from me. I cried myself to sleep
for months, and no one knew how distraught
I truly was. I had a version of who I wanted to
be, and who I was now did not match.
The woman I envisioned was carefree and
lived without labels. She was label-less. I romanticized
the idea of her but had no roadmap
on how to birth her. Yet, she was unwavering
and unapologetic for whom she was. I loved
that about her.
As time went on, I started to realize that this
was my life now. Why am I pondering the past?
I needed to make peace with this new me and
love her. I needed to rebrand myself. I needed
to find out what I was great at and what my
boundaries were.
I needed to be constructive with how I lived
for the future and not destructive by continually
living in the past and reliving things that
were out of my control.
Self-love is heard in your guttering sobs.
True self-love is accepting all of you-there is
no ugly in you or bad in you; there is just you.
Even though I felt broken, I was adding to the
problem by allowing myself to feel unworthy
of love and attention from others.
I was so lost in the past that I couldn't heal
the me in the present. It took many years of
therapy, exploration, and grief to understand
that our physical scars are more beautiful than
a baby's laugh. That part of the body was tried,
and it won. Those scars are our battle wounds
of survival.
My left leg has more character than Prince
Charming. My 24-inch scar is the most
loveable thing about me. Whatever you are
insecure about makes you stand out in all
the best ways.
What we go through to get to this point is
impressive. We are worthy of love, but most
of all, self-love. I have gained a respect for my
body that I never knew existed. I love myself
and all my flaws. I am beautiful. I am unwavering
and unapologetically me.
Don't be ashamed to be different! Remember,
celebrities at red carpet events look for months
to find those outfits that stand out and pray
they don't run into someone else wearing the
same thing; our disabilities are our red-carpet
outfits. We look different! And we look damn
good that way, too. l
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
DECEMBER 2022
9
BRANDI BENSON IS THE
FOUNDER AND CEO OF RESUMEADVANTAGE,
AN EMPLOYMENT
SERVICE FOR BOTH CIVILIANS
AND TRANSITIONING MILITARY
VETERANS. BRANDI EARNED A
BA IN MASS COMMUNICATIONS
AND JOURNALISM FROM
ASHFORD UNIVERSITY, AN
MFA IN WRITING FROM THE
SAVANNAH COLLEGE OF ART
AND DESIGN, AND A HUMAN
RESOURCE CERTIFICATION FROM
CORNELL UNIVERSITY. SHE IS AN
AWARD-WINNING, AMERICAN
SPEAKER AND STORYTELLER
FOR TLC LIONS, THE AUTHOR
OF THE ENEMY INSIDE ME, THE
BRAND AMBASSADOR FOR THE
SARCOMA ALLIANCE, AND AN
IRAQI WAR VETERAN (OPERATION
ENDURING FREEDOM). IN 2009,
AFTER BEING DIAGNOSED WITH
A RARE FORM OF CANCER, EWING
SARCOMA, BRANDI FOUGHT TO
OVERCOME HER DIAGNOSIS, HEAL
AFTER HER TREATMENTS, AND
RECLAIMED HER LIFE THROUGH
THERAPY, PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES,
AND OTHER HEALTHY-LIVING
PRACTICES. THROUGH HER
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS AND
SIGNATURE TOPIC " OVERCOMING
THE ENEMY INSIDE YOU "
CULLED FROM THE TITLE OF
HER ACCLAIMED BOOK, BRANDI
TRANSFORMS THE LIVES OF HER
AUDIENCE BY ENCOURAGING
THEM TO PURSUE DIFFERENT
AVENUES OF PHYSICAL AND
MENTAL THERAPY TO TAKE
CHARGE OF THEIR HEALING AND
WELLNESS, AND HIGHLIGHTS
THE IMPORTANCE OF A STRONG
SUPPORT SYSTEM, AND
RESILIENCY.
http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
Elephants and Tea - December 2022

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of Elephants and Tea - December 2022
