Elephants and Tea - March 2023 - 8

Shedding Stereotypes A SURVIVOR WITHOUT A CURE
I don't look sick, and people assume I
Dual Diagnosis
CANCER PATIENT AND SURVIVOR
MICHELLE LAWRENCE
can do more than I am capable of, so when
I do have to set limits or boundaries, they
are often surprised to find out I have cancer.
I think, " please don't look at me that
way when I tell you I have cancer. " It is
challenging to decide and know when to
disclose my diagnosis. In the beginning,
I didn't care, I told everyone because I
was treatment focused, but now I am focused
on quality of life. Being a survivor
can mean that you are subjected to pity.
If I had a quarter for every time I heard,
" I am so sorry, " I would be wealthy and
writing this from a sandy beach at my
oceanfront home. I have never wanted
pity, especially 14 years' worth. Please
don't be sorry after I tell you I have cancer,
you didn't do anything, and neither did I.
Feel free to say, " that sucks. " I crave and
want encouragement, celebrations, and
excitement that I am kicking ass.
Surviving something often means you
have to give something up. Cancer has
taken a lot from me. Peers and family
members are married and have careers
and families. They plan birthday parties,
play dates, and worry about their kid's
homework. I celebrate the fact that I could
take a shower and get dressed by myself.
I grieve for those missed opportunities. I
wanted to be a mother and have a family,
a house, and a career, but that didn't work
out. I am not just a survivor of cancer,
but of grief. I often feel like an outsider
and don't know many people I can relate
to. Being a survivor is lonely at times, an
unexpected challenge.
Surprise, I am not brave-most of the
I
8
consider a challenge to be a surprise; it sounds more fun. What I was concerned
about at the beginning of my cancer journey are things I don't even think
about now. For example, managing the side effects of medication; I have that
down to a science. I am a chronic cancer patient, and the unseen challenges/
surprises of survivorship might be slightly different than you think. I am 45
years old and have had rare chronic leukemia for 14 years; that's about a third
of my life and most of my adult life. Wow, to think of that mathematically can
be overwhelming. I suppose, " go big or go home? " I also don't look sick; I may
look tired, I might be in pain, but I often have a mask of happiness on. I don't resemble the
" typical " cancer patient you see on TV, which can be both a blessing and a curse.
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
MARCH 2023
time, I am just pretending. If you wish to
use the title " survivor, " people expect you
should, " be happy you are still here, you
are so brave. " Who made these rules? I say
break them. Nobody should have to have
a bright outlook on life 24/7. Look, cancer
sucks. Every day I wake up not knowing
what I will or won't be able to do for the
day. The countless medical appointments,
money spent on medical treatments and
doctor visits, lack of spontaneity, hours
spent on the phone with insurance companies,
and not knowing when the next
medical emergency will pop up are just
a few challenges of surviving each day.
It is exhausting, and quite frankly being
positive 24/7 isn't possible. I am a survi

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Elephants and Tea - March 2023

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