Elephants and Tea - One Herd - 23

Our Voices
care. Dr. J's partners consulted on my
case, so I felt several doctors knew what
was happening. " They couldn't all be
wrong? " I said this to myself repeatedly.
A cycle had been established: go to Dr.
J's, run bloodwork, have a quick exam,
and receive a new diagnosis. Rinse and
repeat. I had to interrupt the cycle. I
decided to do some research of my own,
and after numerous hours, the diagnosis
of cancer surfaced repeatedly. A feeling
washed over me that I still can't explain,
but in that moment, I was certain-I had
cancer. Lost, depressed, confused, and
angry, I wrote down my goal: get an accurate
diagnosis!
A year had passed, and it was my
thirty-first birthday. I returned to Dr. J's
office to complete my annual physical.
Letting out a big sigh, I began to cry
silently. Sitting in the exam room on the
table swinging my legs, snot, and tears
streaming down my face, I got MAD. Real
MAD. Dr. J entered the room, shocked
by my appearance. She asked, " Are you
OK? " I unloaded.
I started by angrily listing off all the
diagnoses she had diagnosed me with
and told her I did not have any of these.
I angri ly assured her it wasn't in my
head-it was real. The pain and exhaustion
were destroying my life. I looked her
straight in the eye and confidently said,
" We need to run a test for cancer. " She
looked at me, confused. I repeated myself.
" We need to run a test for cancer. I
have done a lot of research. " Dr. J replied,
" There is no medical reason to run a test
for cancer. I am not running a test for
no reason. " I replied, " I am not leaving
until you run the test; you'll have to call
the police to remove me. " She replied,
" Insurance doesn't cover tests unless
they are medically necessary. " I raised my
voice even louder, crossed my arms, and
said, " Run the cancer test; I don't care
about the money! It's necessary! " Dr. J
was upset and replied angrily, " Patients
don't dictate what doctors do. " Irate, I
yelled, " Run the test. I am right. Let me
REMIND you that I am not leaving this
office until you do, or you will have to
call the police to remove me. " The nurse
came in and took blood to run the test.
What you didn't see were the countless
fights with my partner over my mystery
disease, the phone calls to my employer
begging them to keep me on payrol l,
and that I saw my chance of motherhood
slipping away. My home had become a
house, my career a job, and my partner an
enemy. No one believed me until the call.
The phone rang, and I picked up, " Michelle? "
I replied, " Yes? " I recognized the
voice and took a big, deep breath. Dr. J
said, " The panel came back positive for
leukemia. Further tests were run, and it
is believed to be T-cell leukemia, which is
rare. We need to run a special blood test,
which is only being done in California.
The results will be back in a couple of
weeks. I am referring you to an oncologist.
I am sorry. " Click went the phone. I
dropped the phone, ran to the bathroom,
and got sick. A cry emerged from somewhere
deep and primal, and I sobbed,
curled up on the bathroom floor. I was
horrified and grateful that I was right.
That is how my cancer journey began.
Fourteen years later, I still had cancer,
and I had battled hard. I lost my house,
job, and partner in exchange for a wealth
of knowledge and appreciation for life. I
was a professional of myself now. Cancer
was just part of me; I didn't let it define
me. I lived as medically stable as possible
until my universe was shaken again.
I started to experience rapid weight
gain, night sweats, fatigue, odd stretch
marks, and fevers-this was different
from my cancer. Panic quickly set in. I
went to see my primary care physician
(PCP) and my oncologist. Of course,
my diet was quest ioned, along with
my mental wel l-being. In my head, I
was thinking, are you fucking kidding
me? Both doctors did a quick exam and
bloodwork and shared, " Michelle, you
are slightly anemic, and your white cell
count is high. " Dread came upon me like
someone dropped a soaking wet blanket
on my head. A feeling of déjà vu hit me.
Their advice? I must change my diet,
exercise more, and lower my stress. This
can't be happening, I thought. I started
to do some research.
I went back to the doctor a few times.
Rinse and repeat. Four months passed
by. I demanded a hormone panel and a
thyroid test when nothing changed but
the quality of my life. I had ballooned to
my heaviest; I couldn't even put on my
shoes. I just knew it had to be hormones
or my thyroid. I was not sitting at home
eating bonbons, watching TV 24/7. The
tests came back abnormal. My PCP sent
me an email letting me know and referred
me to an endocrinologist (endo). I prayed
this woman would have answers.
After six months of getting nowhere, I
met with my endo; who was a thorough,
powerful woman. My exam was over an
hour; she drilled me with questions, reviewed
medical records, and asked even
more questions. Then came a period of
silence. I was relieved; she had to have
found something. She gently told me I
had Cushing's Disease. She showed me
a picture of what someone looks like
with Cushing's; I felt like she held up
a mirror. She gently explained that by
taking steroids all these years to treat
my cancer, I had triggered the disease.
Great news, there is treatment! The first
step is to stop taking the steroids. This
sounds simple enough, but steroids were
the last medication my medical team
had to " control " my cancer. I am out of
treatment options. The treatment I used
to control my disease had now caused
another disease. The best option is to
stop treating my cancer.
Once upon a time, there was a woman
diagnosed with cancer, and she battled
for 15 years. She was a badass. Michelle
had a career, a fantast ic fami ly, and
friends, and appreciated the little things
in life. Her life wasn't typical, but neither
was cancer. She had traded one fairytale
for another. There's a lot of love in your
life-don't take it for granted. Focusing
only on the struggles will cause you to
miss the gifts that today has brought. l
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.ORG
ONE HERD ISSUE 2025
23
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Elephants and Tea - One Herd

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