Pulse - April 2023 - 4

PULSE PERSPECTIVE MEGANNOWELL@GMAIL.COM
Empathy for Biters of All Ages
O
ne of my toddler's current forms of self expression is biting. He bites me, he bites the couch, he
bites toys. He bites his sister. He bites his bed. He bites everything. I have explained why biting
isn't nice. I've explained germs. I have tried Bitter Apple spray (on objects, not him). I have stifled my
shriek of surprise when I've felt small teeth on the back of my leg. I have even been tempted to bite
him back in the name of teaching bite inhibition. Our current mantra is: " It's okay to feel frustrated or
excited or nervous. It's not okay to bite. "
My husband and I are trying to focus on
" gentle parenting " - an approach that encourages
partnership and empathy while emphasizing
boundaries rather than strict rules and
discipline. Believe me, when I first read how
" gentle parents " handle common toddler situations,
I laughed. Taking deep breaths and telling
my toddler I need space when he is acting
out? Remaining calm and collected while being
pelted with puzzle pieces during a tantrum?
I was surprised by how different it was from
what I thought of as " traditional " parenting and
the way I have seen children raised around me.
But, here we are, taking deep breaths and
hugging it out. Is it the hardest thing I've ever
done? Yes! As parents, we are supposed to let
him know that all feelings are okay, but all actions
are not. It is okay to be disappointed, it
is not okay to hit. It is okay to be excited but
books are not for throwing. We are supposed
to remain in control of our emotions and be
the calm that the situation needs, even when
" because I said so " would clearly be the easier
route. By modeling how we process and act
on our big feelings, we are setting him up for
success before the tantrums hit. It is definitely
more difficult than it sounds.
Dealing with unhappy people is never fun
(except for Dr Georgina Marquez, she likes
a toughie) and in today's veterinary medicine,
many clients are behaving like my child. They
are, perhaps, more exhausting than dealing
with an actual toddler. The " biting toddler "
client is especially challenging - the one who
has a valid emotional response to a situation
but acts out in an unacceptable way. In a veterinary
hospital, the big emotions can be sadness,
grief, guilt, or disappointment, just to name a
few. The acting out can look like yelling at staff,
threatening a social media smear campaign, or
demanding a refund for services rendered.
When faced with an unpleasant person at
work, I try to channel my inner toddler-whisperer.
Just like at home, I put empathy front
4
and center. All feelings are okay. I am there
to listen, let the other person know they are
heard, and to try to understand their experience.
Maintaining a calm presence and staying
in control of my emotions can help defuse
the situation (even if " because I said so " would
be easier, again!). Establishing boundaries for
their behavior is crucial and all interactions
must be respectful and safe. Just like I will take
a toy away from my toddler if he is using it to
hit, I will also remove myself from a conversation
with a client to protect my mental health.
So far, the most humbling experiences of
gentle parenting (and life) are the ones in which
I am able to learn from my mistakes. I am far
from having all the answers to motherhood or
in veterinary medicine. I am figuring things out
as I go and experiencing firsts right alongside
my children and my veterinary team. Parenting
has helped me learn, love, and grow more
APRIL 2023
PULSE
than anything else I've done in my life. It forces
me to be flexible and roll with the punches just
when I think I have gotten comfortable with
something. Of course we are going to mess
things up. I think it is okay for my kids to see
that and for us to get through it together, hopefully
with no biting!
Megan Nowl
SCVMA President

Pulse - April 2023

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