SEAHO Report - Fall 2019 - 33

SEAHO Feature Articles
Paige
In preparation for TPE this year, I still contemplated long and hard about how I would visually express myself
at the four-day conference. Just the year prior, I contemplated not rocking my naturally curly hair, hoop nose
ring, bright nail polish, and high-heels out of fear of being "too much". The reality is, being an nontraditionalaged, plus-size biracial woman of color, I felt I had to be mindful of my appearance because racism, sexism, and
sizeism are very much alive in 'professional settings' and at the end of the day, I needed to secure a job. I was
relieved during my on-campus interview at UNCG when our Associate Director at the time made it very clear
that he was not looking for the new coordinators to "fit in." Rather, he wanted us to stand out and not adhere
to standardized ideas of "professionalism" or what a Coordinator was "supposed to be." I knew that I wanted
to embody and articulate this same philosophy as a recruiter at TPE. Not only did it create an environment of
inclusivity by disrupting privileged ideologies, but it invited others to exist authentically.
Upon arriving at the large convention center in L.A., I was quickly reminded of the dissonance I once felt as a
candidate. The same feelings of imposter syndrome arose again. I was reminded of my past feelings, having so
much at stake, so much to lose. This time, however, I was surprised how my positionality altered my feelings
and changed circumstances. Now, I was employed and felt my shift in positionality offered me an opportunity
I could afford to express myself authentically (or so I thought). Because of this positionality change, I was now
in a place to approach candidates and their interviews differently-- with more grace, empathy, and patience.
I remembered my experiences of imposter syndrome coupled with the urgency of securing employment, and
vowed I would never perpetuate those feelings onto another candidate. Instead, I subconsciously challenged
the problem of "fit" that is often promoted in the job search process. I was continually checking myself--was I
being too critical? Was I viewing candidates from a deficit framework instead of focusing on their assets? Was
my subconscious bias projecting privilege that I hold in these spaces? Was I imposing my own perceptions
of what the department needed and what I wanted in a colleague? If we are being honest, because of the way
recruitment and selection processes across the nation are inherently structured in bias, the answer to all three
of these questions is a resounding "yes." Because of this, I constantly challenged myself by asking the hard
questions to actively address and remove bias towards candidates.
I was surprised, however, about the identity negotiation I continued to do as a recruiter. Negotiation looked like
asking myself:
* How would candidates perceive me on the other side of the table?
* Was I free to interact and engage with candidates how I would on a typical day back on my campus?
* Would I be perceived as "qualified" to sit where I am?
* What would the perception be of the department having five professionals of color out of a team of
eight?
I was in a constant state of negotiating how I and other professionals of color showed up as a unit and how
we would be perceived by others. From reflecting on these moments, I was reminded of two important
lessons. Firstly, imposter syndrome does not just disappear. It is felt by staff, especially staff who hold
marginalized identities. It can be experienced in all positions, in all locations, and in a multitude of ways,
even when you hold positions of privilege and power (like being a recruiter). Secondly, internalized views of
whiteness as the standard of professionalism and acting upon such views, showed up as a form of policing
myself and those whom I worked alongside. This taught me that the same intentionality I was exercising to
remove biased thoughts and actions towards candidates also needed to be put towards actively dismantling
white professionalism standards I was perpetuating onto myself and the recruitment team. This means all
professionals, even professionals of color or proclaimed diversity "experts," must do the work to identify
problematic and harmful behaviors within ourselves, the relationships we hold, and the recruitment processes

SEAHO Report Fall 2019

SEAHO Report - Fall 2019

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of SEAHO Report - Fall 2019