SEAHO Report - Fall 2021 - 28

FEATURE ARTICLES
(Trigger Warning: Miscarriage)
" I became a first-time mom in May 2018 when we learned we were expecting twins but neither of them had
heartbeats. I share this with you bleakly because it is almost word-for-word how it was shared with us by our
ultrasound tech. It was the darkest time of my life. I was filled with self-doubt and at times, rage. This is the
time in my career that my approach to work and relationships shifted drastically. The support I received from
colleagues varied anywhere from small tokens to forever keep Baby A and Baby B in my memory to that of a
leader in our department asking me if I had thought about freezing my eggs. If you're ever wondering how to
support someone facing loss, I'm appalled to have to advise student affairs professionals against the latter! I
withdrew from people and began to hate the well-intended question, 'How are you?'
Day-by-day I pieced together my shattered heart and continued to hope toward our future family. Fast forward
to May 2019 and we were blessed with our rainbow baby. Even still, a day did not pass where I did not feel like I
deserved her and that at any moment I could lose her. This was a reality for me months into her life. It is at this
moment that I feel compelled to tell any parent facing loss that I am deeply sorry that you are facing this but I
also need you to know that it is not your fault and there is nothing further you could have done to prevent this
from happening. Surround yourself with loved ones that are supportive, get a new doctor, and take all of the time
that you and your partner need to cope with this loss. "
Kimberly Bradley
Assistant Director of Residence Life/ Mother of One
Virginia Commonwealth University
" In my short months of motherhood, here are the biggest pieces of advice I would offer to a new mother.
1. Acknowledge the difference between maternity leave and vacation. My first week back in the office, I
remember being asked, " Dr. Jones, glad to have you back; how was your vacation? " I would respond, " I
was on maternity leave and not vacation. I am still healing from major abdominal surgery and up at all
hours of the night feeding, changing, and entertaining a newborn. " While I knew the comments may
have been in jest, I realize I was out at a critical time when housing is expected to work countless hours
getting students tested and moved in, but the babies run the show. Even when maternity leave is up,
returning to work may be exhausting. Don't let people downplay having a baby and maternity leave. It is
no walk in the park.
2. There may be times where you don't want to say no, but parenthood requires you to say no. Say no,
AND DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. I love supporting students! Sometimes, this support means
working after hours. Pre-baby, I could stay at work past the workday for student events or come back in
the evenings, but with a baby in tow, it is not that simple. Now, I need a few days' notice, and if I can't
make an event or program, I let students know.
3. Have an at home routine. With a baby in tow, long gone are the days where you can just wing it.
Consider planning meals for the week. Lay your clothes out for the next day the night before. Pack the
baby's bag and baby's clothes the night before. Eventually the baby will remix your routine by needing a
last minute diaper change or temper tantrum, but if you have some sort of a routine, it sets the tone for a
good day.
4. Outsource where you can, and consider this an investment in your mental health. Did I mention that I
used to love cleaning my house pre-baby? I mean, I washed sheets, swept, and Swiffered floors weekly.
My house was spotless. And then I had a baby. The mess and stressors of an unkempt house took a toll
on my mental health, and I put some wants out of my budget and invested in a housekeeper because this
was something I felt like I needed. While some people thought this was a waste of money, I love coming
home to a clean and organized house. Whether you invest in something that makes cooking or cleaning
easier, do it. You will have no regrets.
5. When the workday ends, GO HOME! This is easier said than done. In Residence Life and Housing, we are
on call for crises and emergencies. If it is not a crisis or emergency, it can wait. Once you return to work
and come home, there are only a few hours before the baby goes to bed. You want to make the most of
those waking hours with your little one.
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SEAHO Report - Fall 2021

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